oh my word.

oh my. almost a month has passed again on me, where does the time go?! jeesh. well. since the last blog. i've gotten a new job, olivia is now 18 lbs & 29 inches, eating solid foods, screaming up a storm (and i mean screaming), snugglebutt turned 6!!!, his spooky costume party is this weekend, snugglebutt has also started fall soccer & kindergarten, my beloved* is still working the crazii schedule of the overnight life, and i have begun enjoying the part time working mom life. jeesh. a lot has been going on. olivia is getting so big on us so fast. watching snugglebutt age & grow didn't seem to be so abrupt but looking back on his pictures & what he looked like three years ago when i met him (omg! this winter will be three years, jeesh) but olivia just keeps growing longer & longer it seems everyday. i don't like it at all. i want my teenie tiny baby back. altho she is a lot easier & more fun now, i want my little peanut back. i guess we're just living life. things have been going swimmingly. but the crazii season has begun for us. it begins at the end of august. we have three kids' birthdays in the family, then snugglebutts, then a bunch of the adults in the family, olivia's & the holidays. is it new years yet? LoL happy thursday everyone.

question for the parents.

okay parents of the blogging world, i need some perspectives on a subject. olivia rose* has been a terror all week, she's teething so she's miserable. but that isn't the topic today. i had finally settled her down last night, literally got to put her down in her swing & walk away for a minute. so as i did that & walked outside for a smoke (yes, i smoke i know i know it's my vice) but anywho. so i am on my way out & a few people come over. i say please excuse me for a minute i'll be right back, if olivia isn't her usually perky self please don't mind her she's teething & has been a crank all week, but i just settled her down so please leave her be. well!!! i come back in five minutes later to hear "olivia sit down, oh man i can't back her back in" so i admit i did charge forward & push the person out of the way a bit, saying ok i got it i'll get her back in, person was persistent in helping so i continue with i got it leave it it's okay. i then ask, why did we take her out of the swing, did she spaz out? i am answered with oh no she just wanted to hold her. WHAT! so after i tell you not to take her out of her swing, you just take her out hand her off to someone i don't know & none of you wash your hands & i know that they smoked as well before they came in & THEY DIDN'T WASH THEIR HANDS. so i got pissed. i picked up olivia, changed her in her bedroom, put her in her walker in the kitchen (the people were in the living room) and washed OTHER PEOPLE'S DISHES YET AGAIN! i wasn't rude, two of the people were chit chatting about a resume but the third talked to me & olivia & of course i wasn't rude & talked back. so the friends per-seed to leave, we say goodbye, she thanks me for letting me hold olivia HEY SHITFACE I DIDN'T LET YOU YOU GUYS HELPED YOURSELF. i of course didn't say that. then one of the people come back & said i didn't mean to upset you, we just wanted to hold her. i said that's fine i wouldn't have had an issue with her holding olivia she takes care of kids but you didn't ask her you just helped yourself & you never do that so all of a sudden people come over & you do, none of you washed your hands & had come in from smoking & you know i want everyone's hands washed before holding her, and i had just said that i had settled her down to leave her be. i mean it's a common courtesy to just listen to what the mother says or at least ask before you just do it. well! then this same girl proceeds to text my beloved* while he is at work saying that she was really sorry didn't mean to upset anyone & that i had embarrassed her? really. fcuk that. you never just pick up my kid, you never touch her cause you don't wash your hands, i don't leave her alone with you & leave you incharge of her ever and now all of a sudden there are people here & you wanna act like olivia is a common sharing piece of furniture? really. i was furious & honestly don't even give a shit anymore if i upset or embarrassed her. i mean i tried my hardest not to be rude, or mean (cause apparently i have a mean side to me) but just to say my point & leave it at that. but now! now because you are a huge pussy & can't say something to my face and because you cry to my beloved* about something that doesn't involve him while he's at work i could care less about your fcuking feelings. i am sorry, but parents out there am i wrong? i'm not looking to keep olivia in a bubble, people can hold her & such but because of her whole episode at birth since the day she came home, NO! before she came home & we were still pregnant we made it pretty clear we wanted people to wash & sanitize. i mean we have at least one sanitizer bottle in every room, the truck, diaper bag, all of the carriages. can we get anymore clear than that? shit. i guess i just want the respect of being asked before you manhandle my kid. blagh. so that was my thursday night, how was everyone else's? i am so over this little episode, they can dwell on this shit but i will not but the next time i will not be so poliet or quiet about it, i'll really embarrass their skanky asses.

i want my baby!

so this week has been my first full week back to work, since my little peanut has been born. i know, it's been 8 months & i was lucky enough to stay home with her that entire time. i wanted to work, i wanted to get out of the house, have a few extra dollars to help out my beloved* & be that much more comfortable. i am only working part time, literally three minutes from my house and it's an easy, fun job. but the way my schedule is it has me working six days a week, for four or five hours, i think i have one six hour day. i am enjoying it. i work usually 11-3 or 4 & olivia rose usually naps around noon til 3 sometimes a little off that schedule, but i'm not missing too much. i do work one night & a mid shift but last night & tonight my little lady is staying with her nana & papa, my parents. so i am missing her like crazii. yes, everyone has told me it gets easier & i need the me-time. i'm not complaining about work in any way shape or form, i wanted to work, i did this myself. but i miss her. i miss her like crazii, while i'm working i miss her, but it's not that bad cause obviously i'm busy & going, but the second i come home & she is sleeping or not here, i am like baby girl! come home to muma. arg. i guess i was just looking for another outlet to get this separation anxiety out, my beloved* says it gets easier & reminds me why i'm working but it's tough on a first time mom. i just want to snuggle her up & never let her go. i don't think i will handle pre-K & kindergarden day one drop-off well at all!

he said she said crowd

okay. so it's been almost a month since my last blog. i know! i am seriously slacking. with olivia now 8 months old & mobile, only in her walker or walks with support from someone, it makes things a little difficult. i also just began working part-time yesterday, super exciting. life is crazii. baby, five year old, my beloved*, house work, real work, and trying to attempt at having a social life and of course sleeping! i love sleep it gets tough to sit here & blog.
all is well with us. olivia just had her six month checkup with her cardiologist & she got a clean bill of health. the appt was a difficult one tho. she was sedated for an ultrasound of her heart; so she wasn't able to eat or drink for a few hours before, we had to keep her awake on the 40 minute car ride down, and then right after giving her the meds to help her sleep she was miserable! watching your child cry, scream, fuss for food & to stay awake is torture. but it was worth it. her cardiologist, dr diego, thought she looked amazing & her ultrasound cleared us of any worries we thought we might have had. so that was super. her older brother snugglebutt finally held her, he loves playing with her & has all these plans to teach her different stuff. so we are super excited about all of his involvement he has had with her lately. olivia still wants absolutely nothing to do with baby food. now when i say baby food i mean the jars of mush we're suppose to give our lil ones. the gerber puffs, real fruit in a mesh bag, any lil snacks we give her she loves but crack open that jar & attempt to put it near her & we end up wearing it. i have no idea what to do, if anyone has any tips (please don't say "she'll eat when she's ready" that's all i've been getting) please send them this way.

but i wanted to blog tonight because i am now 25, have a child, in a serious relationship & have seriously grown up even before olivia was born i was a little bit more mature in certain aspects than others my age & some older than me. why is it that all of these websites; facebook, myspace, twitter, blogging gives people the balls to start smack talking others. of course we all do it to an extent, it's only human. but for someone to make serious accusations about another's life is appalling to me. yes, we let tons of people into our lives thru these websites but some of us don't put our entire lives out there for others to see so what people are going off may not be the whole story. also. just because you hear a portion of a story from someone else, the whole "he said she said" business doesn't mean you have any idea what is really going on. just frustrating. i am actually proud of myself that i haven't gotten all flustered about these silly little episodes, i've remained pretty calm about it actually. but it's just like; we are adults, some of us have kids, husbands, wives, when is it time for others to grow up too. no you have no "real responsibilities" so you can live your life as you please, but when do you realize i'm twenty something years old & you need to get over the gossip. blah. that is all for tonight, i feel a little better after venting. gotta go bath, feed & snuggle my little lovely up. ciao!

the cycle of anxiety

okay. so the anxiety is building up. i know it's all about the walk coming up on sunday, i have been so excited for this event. this is my sixth year, it's to help raise money to such a wonderful hospital, & it's to show off some of the amazing work that this hospital & staff can do (my lil olivia rose*) but it is also building so much anxiety. every year up to this year the sole reason i would walk was for the memory of my late cousin hanah rose* this year i have taken away from walking for her team "hanah's hopefuls" and started my own team, "olivia's biscuits" i know it's for the same cause at the end, the hospital, but the thought of taking away from hanah's memory is killing me inside. everyone around me agrees it isn't & they know how much i love(d) hanah rose. and just because i am now supporting the fact this hospital was able to save my olivia's life is nothing to feel bad about, but i can't shake this feeling. hanah knows i love her dearly, i have thought of her more lately than i have since she passed. this year hanah is the mile maker 3, which means they are honoring hanah's life with donating the third mile to her. there will be a poster with her picture & story on it for everyone to remember her, which will probably get me all choked up. i couldn't imagine how it;'s going to make her parents & siblings feel. i even saw her mother, my aunt, recently and spoke with her. something i didn't think would happen for years to come. hanah would probably be more upset with that than my team.
mentioning my aunt brings in the another factor. my family has always had serious drama but the kids (myself, brothers & cousins) were never involved in or even knew anything of. until hanah's parents got married & the spiral effect began. portions of the drama came out to the open to everyone slowly but right around hanah's passing it was all out there. lines were drawn, words were said that could never be taken back, all of the kids were affected, and began the whole "people we don't speak of" sad i know. my olivia rose* will never know her great-grandparents because of this; even some of her cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. it kills me. but what worries me more is since my papa's passing in march we have seen each other some of us tried to reconcile the past, others stayed the same stubborn asses they always were, and others, like myself, are stuck in an awkward spot. my aunt, hanah's mother, was my favorite aunt i had. she was so close to my age, fun, let me hang out with her, and into all the same stuff i wanted to be into. she was more like a sister for a long time than an aunt to me. for her to lose hanah in the same building were i had the scariest twelve days of my life with my baby & not having her with me thru phone, email, text, nothing seriously bothers me. of course the support team we had were amazing. i would never take that away from them. our family & friends seriously showed their true colors & mean even more to me now than they did before november twenty-fourth. but for the one person in the world who actually knew how we felt, how horribly incapable of taking care of your first child when they are born or help them in any way, lost, sleep-deprived, i honestly can't even grasp the words to give you a good perspective of how we felt but she knew! of course, the lines were already drawn & sides were taken but in a time of crisis i feel that is the time to pull together. no i didn't make the phone call to her, but i didn't make any phone calls to anyone. honestly. i gave my phone to my parents & had them take it out of the hospital. but cousins knew what happened & people talk, especially in my family & i knew she knew. she said she knew when i saw her at my papa's funeral. i just can't get past this. since the funeral she has made a number of attempts to contact me & rekindle our relationship, but i can't. i do hold grudges, and i am highly resentful. but i feel this is completely okay for the situation i am in. well! all of these people, "the people we don't speak of" will be at this walk supporting hanah's hopefuls. i am dreading it worse than i did with child birth, a root canal, anything! i know my grandparents won't acknowledge me, i accept that. but my aunt wants back in my life, she wants in olivia's life & wants her two children she has now to be in olivia's life. i should love this, right? i don't for some reason. i didn't even know my aunt had a third child, connor, NO IDEA. technically nothing was ever done to me by anyone but my grandfather, i was just a kid in the cross-fire & lost most of my family. i just don't want olivia going thru any un-needed, unnecessary drama. i never ever want her to ask me, "but where did aunti go, where's papa?" i will die inside.
maybe my stubborn-ness is getting the best of me here, maybe it isn't. but sunday is approaching fast, and i am going to have to deal with this & i am terrified. i do have an amazing team behind me, most of which know my issues with facing these people. my beloved* and snugglebutt will be there along with my parents, the only one of my mom's three sisters we have in our lives with her son & his friends, my brother & some of his friends,my dear friend julie & her daughter, my beloveds* cousin & her daughter, their cousin & my beloveds* father (i love him to death!) so i know i will be supported and have them all right by my side but the thought of seeing them, potentially having to play fake bullsh!t with them is turning my insides. sigh. i do feel a little better after this rant but the anxiety is eating me up and LoL the fact i am so anxious & can't shake it off is really getting on my nerves. i'll just take the advice of my beloveds* mother, she always has great advice, focus on the positive the miracle that is our olivia rose*, her bella and enjoy our families. it's going to be a beautiful day & after the great walk we are going to mosey on over to her house for some fantastic bbq & the rest of the family.

5 days & counting

so. a lot is going on yet not so much at the same time. we had a pretty exciting past two weekends; ufc fight night with friends, cook out with friends, celtics playoff game with friends, park time with the kids, & snuggle time for me & my beloved*. we also did what i like to call "beginning of summer time" scrub down of the house. now we are battling a cold with miss olivia rose*, trying to get snugglebutt to decide what he would like on his shirt that isn't a zombie, someone killing someone, or that general idea LoL and my beloved* also needs to figure out what he would like on his shirt & then the shirts are done for the walk. we planned a big bbq for last weekend to help raise money for the NSTAR'S WALK FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL but due to the weather people not forecasting the weather correctly we cancelled the bbq on a beautiful day & had just a few friends over to relax & enjoy the kids night off. but i am 95% done with the team shirts for the walk, olivia even has her own special shirt which i am pretty excited & got emotional about. LoL first time moms & our emotions jeesh. but this week/weekend is just prep & organization for the walk. i am hoping to have some of the walkers over saturday night to have a pasta dinner night so we all eat some wicked yummy & good food for fuel for us. we have about 6 kids coming, lots of friends & family. i am so pumped for this year. we'll get our own team photo to go up in the hospital's news letter! then after the walk we will be going back to olivia & snugglebutt's papa mcg's house for some of his most fantastic bbq & family. the walk once in a while falls on the bunker hill parade day where my beloved* grew up so we lost a lot of walkers due to that, but all is well. we will be meeting up with them after, hanging for a short amount of time. we have to get up pretty early to get everyone up here (we are north of boston) ready & head down to get there in time to register & enjoy some of the fun activities they have going on. i am a little bummed the celtics players or cheerleaders are usually there but there will be a playoff game that day so they'll all be busy. i was hoping snugglebutt & his cousins could see them but maybe next year.
but that is all that is going on here. busy, busy bees over here. hope everyone else is enjoying their weeks. the weather here in boston has cooled off a bit so it is pretty enjoyable out. happy tuesday*

memorial day wknd

okay. so i am determined to start blogging more frequently, i swear! a lot has happened in the last week or so. let's start with last thursday (before then not much went on; play-date for me, olivia, aunti julie & baby bella*, that's at least a once a week thing), but on thursday i was baby-sitting little miss rileigh marie* down in boston (we're a lil north of boston) so i called up my beloveds* cousin/baby sister bailee and her son owen (he's 10 months) and we all went to the park. bailee lives in the town where my beloved* grew up & where olivias* godfather lives. this poor man works two jobs, tries so hard to get a chance to come up or hook up with us when we are down but it's failed so many times that i finally was just like that's it olivia is meeting her godfather today! and she did, and she loved him! he came to the park & met us. olivia instantly fell in love with him; went right into his arms, had no issues hanging with him even if i walked away to check on rileigh*, played, talked up a storm to him. i was thrilled. and then on saturday he came up for the ufc fight night with a few other friends of my beloveds* and saw both snugglebutt & olivia* i was so happy! olivia isn't a shy baby but for her to be so friendly & even chatting with a new face is a big deal so i was just a happy pig in mud by this. and snugglebutt of course loves him to death because he is a guy who loves kids & is great with them, altho he did start a nasty rumor that daddy has a money tree LoL which i wish was true.
but here is where things get funny! saturday night we had about 7 big guys, two ladies, and 4 kids in the living room! ha. we don't have a small place but it's not equipped to have kitchen chairs, a recliner, rocking chair, sofa, kids on the floor & a game chair all over the living room so i went to step over a chair when my sandal got caught on the leg & boom! right on my butt. my cousin stated "dude it looked like you slipped on ice & your legs went over your head & you went doOoWN!" LoL fantastic. it knocked the wind out of me & of course i was a wee bit embarrassed but i got over that quickly. i of course tried to drink the pain away which only worsened the blow in the morning. haha. woke up to three kids, a hungover daddy, and a mess in the house. haha. luckily/unluckily snugglebutt didn't have soccer & his mom was around so we were able to drop him off with her & go to the er. because my butt & back were insanely sore & hurting. after two hours of trying to sit in those horribly uncomfortable seats, or trying to pace around the hallways. we got a verdict of a badly bruised tailbone & upset sciatic nerve. got some marvelous pain killers & anti-inflammatory meds which knocked me out & have helped a ton.
then this morning olivia had her six month check up; she looks amazing the doctor said, sounds great, great weight gain, she is on the taller side for her age (i'm hoping she'll be like her aunti jyll; long legs, skinny & gorgeous), she of course got some shots which she did pretty well with but knocked her out for most of the day which was great due to my butt killing me & my meds knocking me out.
well that was our weekend, pretty busy & now i must begin the preparing for next weekends festivities tomorrow. luckily my OCD & beloved* helped do the "beginning of summer cleaning" yes i do it for every season. i love to clean & when i get the motivation i just go with it. now having a child i am insanely worse with it. i sweep at least once a day, scrub cabinets, floors, the fridge! i am bad. but no one complains when the house is nice & clean :)
well that was our weekend. hope everyone had an enjoyable memorial day weekend too. here's to a fantastic summer. ours is starting off great, let's hope it stays that way.
OH! and wish me luck tomorrow night, i bought a powerball ticket, it's up to $260 million. would be a nice little check to have.

time flies.

time flies! phew. almost another month since my last blog. well easter pictures were a bust, altho my beloveds* family did get a few cute ones with the easter bunny! so i'll have to get those from them. olivia wanted no part of either of her easter dresses & here in boston it was fairly warm out so i wasn't fighting her to sit in them so there aren't any pictures LoL maybe we'll just put her in them & take some photos it's chilly again. but things have been busy. olivia is growing so much. now five months old, she wants her hands in everything & to chew everything. she's eating rice cereal & hated green beans but what kid doesn't. today we will try squash or sweet potatoes & see how those go. snugglebutt started soccer! he is really good. due to the weather he's only had two game/practice sessions & got two goals each time, gets right in the mess of kids trying to get the ball, he's amazing at it. he hasn't been as crabby LoL what five year olds aren't. but the weather has been nice & we've all been getting him outside & i brought him to see his aunts & cousins so he has perked right up.
i am actually going to upload some pictures to the computer & i will post later today or tomorrow morning while olivia naps again lots of pictures i have of them. aw kids. they consume you. i love it. happy tuesday.

4 months.

so. last wednesday my little precious lady turned four months! omg. time really does fly. i was just talking to olivia's gamma (my beloved*s mom) telling her everything that was going on & i got all choked up, man my baby is growing up already & i am having a fun yet really hard time with it. we had her four month checkup today which of course entailed two shots but it also consisted of a pound weight gain totaling 13 pounds & 6 ounces, she is in the 75% for her height & has a big head LoL we also can start planning her christening yay* (we had to do a bit of waiting due to her surgery), she will be getting her ears pierced this week & has two of the most gorgeous dresses one from her godmother & the other from her papa mcg (he is an amazing shopper!) we did a room switch with our room & the kids room. there seems to be so much more space in both room now with the switch. snugglebutt seemed to love it today he had all his trucks out, legos everywhere we just got to get him liking the clean up process a bit more. the whole sharing thing he is doing great with but for him he sees it as his room (olivia does just sleep in there) so he's like why do i need to move them. LoL yeah fire truck, little army guys in the middle of the floor are going to be the death of me. LoL but olivia's appointment went wonderful. it's funny when looking for a pediatrician we didn't want a young doctor LoL our first meeting with the new pedi we got the young doctor but she is absolutely amazing! we love her, she is amazing with olivia. i just absolutely love her doctor. but we got a clean bill of health for everything, she had her special shot, gaining weight just like she should be. things are amazing with her. she is laughing (cutest little laugh she sort of hiccups during it, adorable!), grabbing things, slobbering all over everything/everyone, having cute little screaming fits. loves mickey mouse clubhouse, pooh & tiger, spongebob!, little einsteins,& ni hao ki lan! i love ni hao ki lan & when shopping the other day with my parents we saw her toys, aah! so excited.
with easter coming up this weekend our lounging & relaxing is coming to a halt but for great reason. food, family & here in boston weather in the upper 70s aah! super excited. normally my beloved* & i haven't spent easter with his family but all rules go out the door when there is a new baby in the mess. also, i have been trying to get snugglebutt down to the city to visit his cousins as often as our crazy schedules lets us, so we are doing Sat with that side of the family & then Sunday with mine. we have gone to my aunts the past two years for easter, my younger cousins love my beloved* & snugglebutt. but snugglebutt's mom's family is a lot more religious & into the holiday so of course he would spend it with them but we will go there sunday. but this great weather coming up makes the weekend that much more exciting. it is raining again like crazy but i personally could give a crap less because there is light at the end of the wet tunnel LoL
not much else going on here other than the mom & family thing. i haven't posted pictures in a long time of my little peanut or anyone else so i am hoping after this weekend i will have tons more to chose from to post. oh! huge milestone my peanut is teething. LoL
happy monday. yay to a great weekend.

a month later

so i hadn't realized it's been over a month since my last blog, woah. well since the last blog what has happened? lol a whole lot. Olivia had her visit with her cardiologist since she left children's; he was so impressed, said she seemed like a brand new healthy gorgeous baby girl, clean bill of health & received her RSV shot to help her with not getting too sick. olivia also got her first cold which was worse on me than her, she also got mommy & daddy sick which again was worse on us than on her, lol. kids man i preached it forever they harbor germs and i got to feel that first hand still looking for the culprit that got my peanut sick & i will find them LoL. olivia is now laughing, screaming up a storm, making amazing faces at us, loves to stare at her daddy, had her first meeting with the easter bunny & is being spoiled everyday by family & friends.
aidan is doing wonderful; still his hyper all over the place self, loving his toys & games, being silly & still a little hesitant to play with his sister but we give him no pressure due to the ordeal we all went through but one day i will get him to snuggle her up & have a feeling he'll just be another one i'll have to fight to get my peanut back. LoL
in bad news my family has lost our dearly papa who was the backbone to our family. it was the best thing for him, he was so sick & tired & just ready to go. one thing that stands out to me that happened in his last few weeks he wanted to see olivia & when i walked her over to him he said to me & my brother "the baby is here, the baby is okay i can go now" crushing & beautiful at the same time. that man was the love of my life, the one thing i always wanted in my entire life; not money, fancy things, but a picture dancing with him in a wedding dress. LoL for me i never thought that day would come just because i wasn't for the whole marriage thing but now it won't due to he has passed. i have been battling in my head whether that is super selfish of me to think that way but every woman in my family has had it & i get to be the first that goes without, but again i was never for marriage so i should have been ready to never get it right? sigh. i also tried to do a reading for him at his funeral & i personally tend to joke & horse-around when extremely nervous & that is how i was leading up to the funeral. even at the wake i was okay, where i thought i would be worse. but the morning of the funeral, during the funeral i lost it. when my name was announced i couldn't even stand. i was so embarrassed & upset with myself that i couldn't even attempt to do it. my aunt (his daughter) who was crushed by his passing said she was honored that i even agreed to it & knew i wouldn't be able to get through the whole reading but that my papa knew how i felt & knew i did my best & couldn't be prouder. of course there is always family drama everywhere we go & his services were just the same. although a lot of amends were made & things seem to be looking up in the family situation which he would be thrilled of, he was again the backbone of the family & no matter what drama we thought would go down at an event he would be there front row making the most noise & being the proudest. he will be dearly missed everyday of the rest of my life. but i am lucky enough to have my beloved & olivia meet him before he passed & he loved them both. i am even thinking about calling olivia 'livi' because he called her that.
my beloved is doing well. he has been stressed lately due to normal things but other than that things are just swimming. i unfortunately didn't go back to work. yes i know i need the adult interaction & the escape from being trapped in the house all day with peanut but the amount of stress, anxiety & anguish i endured working there it wasn't worth it. i due plan on finding something closer to home, part-time & enjoyable for work & have come across a few good looking prospects.
so all in all things are going pretty well. wish certain things were a little different but things happen for a reason & we will always come out stronger. happy tuesday.

what to do.

okay so i know i recently blogged about anxiety issues but how about anger issues? i've always been easy to get a rise out of & lately the smallest thing has been setting me off & i got into a rage, yell & rant for a good amount of time & a serious obstacle i need to overcome is holding a grudge. now i mean "holding a grudge" i hold them for years; i can never let go of someone hurting, betraying, or disrespecting me. now i know i am having anxiety issues, that's pretty obvious from the last blog & also just i can tell. but now the anxiety levels are getting to be too much & turning into anger & rage.
with the birth of olivia rose* not being ideal & having the issues she had unexpectedly people have mentioned i should either just talk to someone or find a group of people who have similar events occur to them. and i mentioned the anxiety & emotions i have been going thru with my doctor & she gave me some numbers to call, she actually said she was going to recommend it whether i was having issues or not, due to everything that had happened. now i have no objections or reservations about talking, please i love to do it & even talking with my beloved* i hold back a bit. i mean he went thru all of this as well he doesn't want to listen to me b!tch about it all the time, i mean he never does (which is a whole other issue) but it seems to me that the american way isn't to sit & talk, at least with professionals. it seems to me that you go & see someone; tell them what goes on, how you feel, how it affects your life & relationships & then a prescription is just given like candy. it sounds horrible but i do have reservations about being medicated or needing something to help me. i was grown up that we are tough, we can hang & deal with our issues in house it's no one elses' business. and talking with a good amount of people from different situations; some medicated for anxiety, depression, helping someone else with these issues i have come to understand that it could be only a temporary thing to help get someone thru a tough time, and believe me this i think is as tough as it's gonna get. but then there's the issue of getting addicted. what if it happens; i know it takes time but i have this idea in my head that it can happen overnight, i realize that isn't so but i have heard certain drugs can happen fairly quickly.
i am not sure where i am going with this maybe just looking for somewhere to vent & not have to hear the feedback from the same places i've been getting it from. i don't feel i am depressed; well i do have some days i just don't give a fcuk, could care less what goes on & etc, other days i am myself & then there are my angry days. i guess another issue i have with taking a step into the direction of talking with someone or being medicated is people judging me. i am in NO WAY thinking or even feeling i could harm myself or my daughter. and i fear that that may be what think. i mean i would once in a while like to punch a certain few people in the face but i've always had those feelings, some people just deserve it sometimes come on now. but i feel that if you truly just let all your walls down & tell someone every single thought, feeling, or just emotion that may be what someone may think about me. i mean i am not a violent person & would def never hurt my baby girl, she is just too precious, beautiful & been thru enough already i could never purposely/accidently put her thru anything else.
huh. so that's that for today. i have been seriously considering tho finding at least a group of people that have been going thru this & talking. maybe talking to other people who have had a similar ordeal with help me out. because so many people i know whether they followed all "the rules" or just did whatever they wanted while pregnant have had beautiful, healthy little kids & my biggest issue is why olivia? she is so tiny, innocent, precious & i did everything i could to make sure i was doing right by her & still am. i guess i will end the blog today in saying happy monday* hope all have a wonderful week, i am off with my mom* to visit her doctor, that itself is a whole other topic i do not want to talk about.

anxiety.

so lately i apparently have been having some anxiety issues. i was having dreams that people (no idea who) would come & take my olivia rose* away from me. at first i figured it was due to all the chaos with olivia's birth but lately it has been every night. i wake up in a compleely covered in sweat, fear, shock & i have to immediately just look at my peanut. has this ever happened to any other new mother? i am coming up to the end of my maternity ward & having to go back to work has really been taking a toll on me. i want to but i don't, it's a double-edged sword. getting out of the house & being "an adult" again but missing precious time with my little girl. what if i miss her first steps, her first word? it'll be crushing. ugh. so much going on in this crazii little head of mine. my beloved* tells me that once i start the wheels in my head it's a spiral downhill slope. i start thinking of whatever began the wheels turning then it turns into other crazii off the wall nonsense. it's so weird LoL but i am just hoping this anxiety is normal, going back to work & leaving my first born is a big deal right? this happens to other women, or dads if they do the staying at home bit with baby. i guess i am just looking for feedback; other women to tell me this happened to them, that it will subside once i get into my "new routine" of work & such. okay. that is all for the day. busy day ahead of me; food shopping, cleaning, miss olivia rose* is hanging with her nana & papa while i actually get a night out with some ladies i haven't seen in forever & then superbowl sunday* happy weekend everyone.

people are evil.

so i have been gone for a good amount of time. we've had lots of issues lately not happy with what luck we've had, that would be bad luck. first we had issues with our kitchen sink drain, then toilet, the washing machine, our computer the truck 2x, & tonight i have my father's computer (tax season we got to borrow it) & i come across this blog that sh!ts on people! people i know. wtf. why is it that we need to do this? people suck we all know this; everyone does, whether talks too much, dresses weird, is mean, ignorant, whatever it is why do we need to go to the level of crapping on people on the internet? i feel the internet & all of these social websites or networks are a double edge sword; you come across a great blog where you learn & there is serious talks to going on or you come across a facbook status that is just absolutely horrid, cruel & mean. i personally feel if you don't have the balls to say it to someones face you shouldn't be typing your anger away where the world can see it & some not so stupid people can figure out who you are talking about. it's just wrong & humiliating. ugh! i can't stand people they are so cruel, selfish, ignorant, thinking my shit don't stink animals, especially when you are probably the worst & you crap on others? really.

in good news! olivia is now just one day shy of 9 weeks old! yay. my baby is growing so fast; she is holding things, eating her hands like crazii, uses her legs to stand for a second (leaning on someone of course), doesn't love tummy time but is great at picking her head up off the pillow, laughs all the time, tries to talk but of course can't quiet yet. awe. how i love her so. my beloved's beeday just passed, the big 28. threw him a surprise party with all of his friends, aw! he had a blast, of course was caught completely off guard & a lil pissy but we all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly & a lot more people came than expected. overall things are great & turning around i just had to get that first bit off my chest.

people preach how wonderful they are & they do good but in reality once a friend shouldn't they always be a friend? no? i think so, if you have so much hatred & anger towards someone were they ever really your friend? people man. happy monday & feb, the month of love

lazy sunday.

so. today is now sunday, been about a week since i last blogged. not much going, well that's completely untrue lots going on here. baby keeps you very busy! olivia did spend the night at her nana & papas on friday so myself & my beloved* for the first time in months had a date night. it was fabulous to get out; have a little bit to eat, glass of wine, go to the movies but coming home to no peanut was seriously weird. there was silence all night; no crying, whining, diapers to change, bottles to make weird as heck! but of course i woke right up & ran to my mothers to get her back LoL missed her to death & she was gone for less than 24 hours i am in serious trouble later in the month when she spends almost two days with her nana & papa. what am i going to do with myself? LoL thank goodness i will be taking my beloved* on a weekend getaway for his 28th beeday. he is getting old! LoL he'll deny it completely, but it is a fact we are definitely getting old. he now has two kids, about to be 28 years old, living on his own for years, been married, had "life lessons" LoL he is far more wise beyond his years LoL me. i am turning 25 this year. woah! 25 years old, a little peanutilicious here, staying up all night but instead of dancing & drinking the nights away it's to change diapers, rock her & feed her. who would have ever thought? definitely not me or anyone around me, they all thought i was set in my ways living life in the fast lane. hhhm. things definitely changed.

but i guess that's it for now, again just the new-mommy norm going on here. thought i'd just take a peek as to what was going on here in the blogging world & leave a little something from myself.

ciao fellow bloggers* here's in hopes of a little warm up so we can get out of the house.

OLIVIA'S BISCUITS*

so as many of my readers know; i was blessed with a lil lady of my very own this year, and she unfortunately was born with some major drama, she wouldn't be mine if there wasn't drama involved. She was born with CDH, transposition of the greater arteries & had to be rushed from her birth hospital to Children's Hospital of Boston (not very far maybe 2o minutes away) just hours after she was born. It was the hardest two weeks our all of our lives, but luckily everything turned out perfect & our peanut is now home, happy & healthy.

and if again, you have been following my blog or know me personally i am apart of the "Hanah's Hopefuls" team for the what was called Miles for Miracles but is now called NSTAR'S Walk for Children's Hospital Boston. Hanah is a late cousin of mine who had the best team of nurses & doctors that did everything the could for her but unfortunately not every battle can be won & my aunt now has two healthy gorgeous kids! I have done this walk for five years, even last year i did it while pregnant. This was a huge battle with my beloved* & family i ended up doing just the 2-mile walk which is okay.

but this year! this year we walk for my peanut. she had her own, luckily, short stay at Children's once born & with the team of nurses we had in CICU 8 South & 8 West I am not sure I could have been as strong & made it through the whole process with what sanity i have left. so now i have even more drive for the awareness, support & raising money for this amazing hospital that helps so many. we met so many people during our stay there from all over the world! the stories we heard, the people we met just absolutely amazing. i have to do my small, easy part & just donate, raise & walk! i am going to put some links below in hopes that people either support, donate or join a similar walk.

the main website for the walk.
http://howtohelp.childrenshospital.org/walk/

the team's website. we are "OLIVIA'S BISCUITS" olivia's older brother snugglebutt calls her olivia biscuits rose.
https://howtohelp.childrenshospital.org/walk/pfp/pfp.asp?TeamID=LJ0137

and lastly, my own website.
https://howtohelp.childrenshospital.org/walk/pfp/?ID=LJ0137

small photo recap of 2009

we got dressed up & looked perdy. my beloved* had his marvelous beard


i went to vegas!


we watched friends get married*




we got pregnant!


we had accidents.


we went on trips.


i went thru the "beautiful" process of delivery.


we became a family.


we had miss olivia rose*s first christmas.


that is just a few of our photo collection from our 2009 year. it was absolutely fantastic; all the heartaches, backaches, headaches, laughs, smiles, extreme tough times, i wouldn't change a thing of it. it was perfect. my dearest friend julie also had her first child miss isabella* i unfortunately do not have any pictures on the computer of her but she is on our fridge and she is gorgeous as well. i bid you a fair farewell 2009 times were good, onto 2010 & more memories with loved ones.

two days to go.

so it is now only two days away from the new year, 2010. can you believe it? were we not just in this same spot like yesterday? freezing, calming down from the sugar rush of christmas, & highly anticipating the "adults night" with no kids running around screaming. man! it seems like it for me. this time last year it was me & my beloved*'s second new years together spending it with his family & i was just thrilled, it was also insanely cold, icy & snowing on the roads i remember that from picking up his cousin, my friend kaiti. but this year has completely changed our worlds. instead of the three of us; me, my beloved* & snugglebutt we now are blessed with the presence of our miss olivia rose* lost some friends, gained some new ones & even realized who really will be there for you in a time of need. this year has been amazing, tough, sad, & just mind blowing. we lost loved ones, gained new ones, become a mother/father/grandparents/uncles/aunts, moved onto bigger & better things, changed looks & just enjoyed life. it's also the end of another decade. woah! another decade down the shoot. i just want to blog today about how i have realized this all for myself; the loss of loved ones, friends, gain of new ones, the fact i was actually planning on missing motherhood (crazii me), & just falling in love with someone all over again & realizing who/what really matters. i hope everyone else triumphed through their own tough times & enjoyed the happy ones. shit happens no matter what we plan or want it's how we react, cope & transform from them that really says who we are. i feel phenomenal after everything that has happened or been said. i am happy with exactly where i am & who i'm surrounded by. here's to everyone else feeling the same way & to another great year in 2010.

how do you . . .

now i have a serious question, probably will actually end up being a debate. but! the topic is or question; in today's day & age our lives intertwine so insanely & closely with others sometimes people that we would not rather have anything to do with & probably never want to have anything to do with. but how do with deal with this? you try the yeah sure you're there thing but you have to actually socialize so you try the "friend thing" but that obviously doesn't work because once forced to have to be sociable with someone kind of kills the enjoyment of the person. how does this work? for myself once someone has crossed me to the point i can not deal with their existence of being around me everything they do will drive me past my breaking point? but we are all adults here, i mean i am a mom now & i honestly don't change over night but i really could careless for a lot of crap but certain things really tick me off & the fact i would usually blow up is kind of childish and up until (exactly a month today) i was alone. i mean yes i am with my beloved* but i only really had to worry for myself, now i have my precious miss olivia rose* and not that i would like to blow up on people, i would just like them to be easier to deal with & sometimes, well a lot of times, people blow situations/conversations out of proportion & again someone has to "be the bigger person" why me?! why do i need to suck it up & just look the other way, let it roll off my back. i am not that type of person, things "rolling off my back" don't happen. so again the question/topic is how do you deal with a person in your life that shouldn't or wouldn't necessarily be there on your terms but they are & you need to be civil, sociable & pretend to like them?

out & about

so i finally got out . . with olivia rose* that is & not to a doctor appt. LoL only to my parents & my beloved*s parents but hey! i wasn't home i barely held her (which was bittersweet, missed our snuggle time but great to be free of the extra 8 lbs on my right arm) we went to my parents had lunch there & actually went to meet my dad's friend, the tattoo artist & watch him at work. gone for an hour i was dying from separation anxiety so i made him rush me back to her. LoL hung out a bit more but then moved onto the next house, the McG clan. so once arrived we were greeted by carrie! everyone else was gone so it was a nice way to ween into all the people, that house has always got at least 5 people in it LoL which is fabulous. then muma mcg came home with machelle, morgann & ryan. i knew morgann (she's olivia's cousin, only other girl) she was going to be thrilled, as soon as we told everyone we were pregnant she was excited & begged for a girl! amazing with olivia! she held her perfectly, moved around with her great (a little nervous at first but she was a natural) ryan was a little too nervous but instead of being shy with me he sat with me, starred at olivia, he wasn't into making faces or talking to her LoL which was a-okay because olivia seemed to enjoy just looking at his handsome face. machelle & jyll (sister's along with carrie to my beloved*) loved olivia, jay (jyll's boyfriend) was a natural. olivia just melted into his shoulder. and cousin kassi was a natural, she just loved playing with kassi. and then! then papa mcg came home & it was all over, olivia absolutely loves her papa mcg, he is so snuggley why wouldn't she, now i know this from experience new years eve i def fell asleep on papa mcg's shoulder. LoL hilarious we of course stopped on our way home to visit daddy, gone all day we missed him so. and then home. highly eventful day. and olivia was beat from it, which was great because we walked in the door she ate & went right to sleep. muma couldn't have asked for a better ending to a great day.

but tonight! tonight muma gets out without my little angel. my beloved* has been so kind to stay home with her, but good luck to him he will have both kids. snugglebutt is coming over tonight! going out with my love ryan was suppose to be for sushi & "itchi-bans" but will be mexican & margaritas now due to the snow aka "blizzard" coming. but i am stoked to get dressed up & out! and then tomorrow it's sunday, family stay in & cook/eat day. yay. for this weekend. and

olivia's story.

so talking to my beloved* he seems to think that if i blog about olivia rose*s birth & what happened it'll help me cope with it (not that i didn't/haven't dealt with it okay but it will help me) so here it goes, i mean it took me a week to blog about her being born in general.

so olivia was 8 days late, we played a phone tag game with the doctor for four days. we would call check to see if we should head into the hospital to induce labor, unfortunately (well luckily really) the hospital was always busy. we went into the doctors office for a stress test on monday 11/23 to make sure that our lil peanut was comfy & happy in the belly still because they were going to have me wait until tuesday which would make it the 8 days late. after the checkup & stress test my doctor suggests going for a walk somewhere, that walking after the "checkups" could help begin the labor process even break my water. so we head to the cheesecake factory (i was hungry surprise), eat some dinner, and walk the burlington mall. we of course stumble into the lego store (snugglebutt has an obsession with legos) while actually forgetting the stress of being late, the soreness of carrying the extra 52 pounds, my phone rings. "hi this is winchester hospital come on in dr. millar wants to begin the induction tonight" oh snap! and by snap i really mean a cuss word but i'll leave it out here. scared crap-less & unfortunately packed ready to go (my beloved* was hoping the stress test or doctor was sending us to the hospital earlier) so we went right to the hospital. i personally love the fact i drove myself right up to the ER (entrance at night) and said okay valet park this bad boy see ya in two days with a baby.

get to the hospital, get upstairs, hooked up to all the machines & drink some nasty drink that will be hopefully begin the induction on my own and we "sleep" LoL woken up at 43oam to then have the medicine put in place to actually make things begin whether my body wants it to or not and then my water is broken at about 10a or 11a (my beloved* says i have no idea) now i had a few friends warn me about labor pains and they were brutally honest & scarred the crap out of me but it did no justice! the pain was unreal! even with the epidural the pain was unreal, i was told only pushing for an hour & a half for a first timer & for being induced i was lucky but during the hour & a half i did not feel lucky at all. my nurse mary, cutest older skinny lady who seemed to be right off the boat from ireland said i was seriously entertaining. i was bribing her to let me have a c-section, telling her that we didn't need to wait for the doctor what's a doctor really but a nurse with an extra piece of paper, & then when olivia rose* finally made her appearance i said & i quote from the best nurse mary funniest thing ever said at a babys' birth "she's a fcuking person" and of course did the typical new mom reaction; cried, smiled, kissed my beloved*.

and then this is when the story gets ugly. we were told before the pushing ever began that because olivia was "over-baked" the doctors term was, she had a "bowel movement" or meconium in the womb & they didn't want her to cry, for the fact she may swallow some of it & it wouldn't be good. so the doctor had the nicu (neonatal icu) in the room to help with making sure olivia was suctioned well so that didn't happen. well baby finally!! arrives & unfortunately the doctor cut the cord which wasn't part of my plan, i didn't get the from womb to chest mommy-baby bonding that i wanted & she tried to cry. so somehow i missed the fact that when she tried to cry she didn't become pink. the nicu staff immediately took olivia away from where i was and brought her to her little baby warmer bed which was right next to mine & they suctioned her. so my mom, my beloved* & i went on with the typical excitement because we were told the nicu staff would snag her & help her out to make sure that she got all the (literally) crap out of her way. well again i missed the blue but my beloved* said parts of olivia; her hands, lips, feet stayed blue & never went pink and she continued to try to cry. and apparently the nicu staff said that she wasn't breathing correctly on her own so they had to take her do to the nicu but olivia would be back. so we go on with the whole "finishing up" process and what felt like an eternity goes by, it was hours. olivia was born at 1.26p they took her away probably less than 5 minutes after that & about 2.30p or so we finally got news that olivia had to leave us & go to Children's Hospital immediately. one of the worst sentences that were said to us in the next 12 days. the poor woman told us about a million times what was wrong with olivia but all i heard was olivia needs to leave, she has a heart problem & i flashed back to when i was younger. my best friend/neighbor had a heart problem she had a HUGE scar on her chest, issues with her health all of the time, and had surgeries all the time & this was at age 8 so i was crushed. the nicu had to stabilize olivia and contact Children's, they promised that i would be able to see her before she left the building, yes i have yet to see her more than the moment of her leaving my womb. my beloved* got to go to the nicu to see olivia where they took some pictures of her for us, but because i was in "recovery" i couldn't move. and as much as we appreciate the pictures taken in the nicu at winchester they were the starriest pictures ever; olivia was in an incubator, hooked up to tubes/wires & looked so small. finally at around 6oop the nurse from nicu came into me & "prepped me" for my daughter's first visit; told me that she was coming in an incubator, she was hooked to tubes & moving very little (helped keep her comfortable with all the things going on) & there was a team of emergency guys from Children's, my beloved* got to go with them which i was SO thankful for. and olivia arrived! we were all instantly a mess, my little tiny peanut who had just been so snug & safe in my belly was in this huge incubator to help her breath! help her live! i was a mess. i am not a crier, softy, emotional, but this killed me. she wasn't there for more than 2 minutes if that & both her & my beloved* were off. luckily i had two aunts, an uncle, my mom, (my dad went with my beloved*), my best friend & a DEAR DEAR friend from work had just left (poor girl worked the overnight & spent all afternoon awaiting this little ladys' arrival) my fabulous nurse mary then tries to calm me, get me to realize i need to focus on me & my health, that my beloved* would take care of our little peanut & if i wanted to be discharged early to get to olivia i needed to focus, so i did. i was walking minutes later (not 2 or 3 minutes later), went to the bathroom (big step for those who don't know), & moved to the post-labor room. my aunt & mom stayed with me while i awaited my beloved*s phone call for information on olivia. finally about 1ooop my beloved* calls. olivia has congenital heart disease transposition of the greater arteries. yeah a lot of words meaning crap, i know. basically the two valves that bring oxygen into the heart we breathe in & turn it from blue (bad) to red ( good) were backwards so olivia was sending blue blood to her body & not red and she needed surgery to fix it! yeah. crushing. especially when my beloved* is in boston with our peanut & i am alone in winchester, miles away from them both. altho an hour later my beloved* walks in the door & sleeps with me, olivia was in another icu the fabulous man my beloved* is knew i wouldn't be able to handle this night alone came back. what seemed like the longest wait to be discharged i finally was about 2oop the next day (this is now wednesday the 25th, the day before thanksgiving).

we get to Children's, take the elevator to the 8th floor icu, walk down the hallway around the corner & to the end of the hallway my little peanut olivia is right there on the left. in a tiny bed with tubes, wires, iv's everywhere. i am told in more detail what is going on & that they plan on having the surgery on friday morning, at only three days old our lil peanut was going to have heart surgery to fix her valves to help her breathe & live a normal/fabulous life. wednesday & thursday all my beloved * & i did was sit by olivia's bed; our families did have us leave for about 2 hours on thanksgiving (thursday) but it was the worst thanksgiving ever. we walked into my beloved*s family house & i saw his sister/cousin i used to hang out with often & i was in tears, turned around & walked out of the house. after we composed ourselves we basically were furniture in the house the entire hour we were there. then onto my parent's house; my dad was already on his way to work, they had finished eating & had a gift for us. i am into precious moments & my parents/brother had gotten olivia a precious moments angel that says the "now i lay me down to sleep . . " prayer again a mess & in tears. of course that went right into olivia's bed once we got back to the hospital & hasn't left her bed since. thursday i don't think either one of us slept; we left olivia because our great nurse shauna had told us to go get some sleep at about 2ooam and went back about 5ooam to give olivia her first bath before surgery. that was so much fun and man did she hate it. the walk from olivia's room in icu to the area we say goodbye in the surgery area is the longest, most horrible, gut-wrenching, miserable walk ever. she went into surgery at 7ooam and we were told it was a 5-6 hour surgery. we had to wait in the waiting room for the surgeon about 15-20 minutes, thank god we did not wait there during the entire surgery because i would have died.

her surgery went perfect! the picture we have in our heads & actual photos from the day she came back from her surgery are scary & i never wish a parent has to see their child in that condition we will never be able to get out of our heads ever. but her recovery for the next 8 days went perfect. she was out of icu by monday, again surgery was friday morning. that we were told was absolutely amazing; all of the tubes came out fast (which is what they want), she was down off the oxygen pretty quickly, weaned down off her medicines, and was beginning to eat up a storm.

my beloved* & i went into the whole labor/delivery b!tching about the fact we may have been stuck in the hospital, on a regular recovery of labor stay, over thanksgiving we never imagined staying in one hospital for one night then another for another 11 days. this was by far the hardest, scariest, most miserable situation either one of us have ever have had to go thru & i personally feel that if i had to do it alone or with alone else i wouldn't have come out as i had (somewhat okay). it was the longest 12 days of my life. every night worrying if your child would be okay overnight while you tried to sleep, will this surgery go well, was it something i did that made this happen to her, the amount of questions/thoughts that go thru a womans' head after your typical delivery can sometimes be off but with all of this i swear at some points i thought i was having the worst dream ever & if not i was going to lose my sh!t.

but olivia came out of it on top, my beloved* & i did as well.

it was amazing to see how strong she is, all the kids we came in contact with are & the things they can recover from at such a small size/age.

thinking about the way everything was played out during this whole situation; the winchester hospital did a phenomenal job having the right people in line, the Children's did a, phenomenal doesn't seem like a justifiable word for it but, phenomenal job during her stay & all of the staff we came in contact with everywhere was amazing. i also feel the fact that i had been so determined to do the Children's Hospital walk the past five years despite being pregnant, the "family issues" that had arisen & stopped my walking buddies not go so i walked alone, supporting & raising money for the hospital was what i was meant to do. and i will continue to do until i can no longer walk & hope for more support this year. i will not only walk for hanah's hopefuls (my original reason to walk) but i will now walk for our olivia rose*