the cycle of anxiety

okay. so the anxiety is building up. i know it's all about the walk coming up on sunday, i have been so excited for this event. this is my sixth year, it's to help raise money to such a wonderful hospital, & it's to show off some of the amazing work that this hospital & staff can do (my lil olivia rose*) but it is also building so much anxiety. every year up to this year the sole reason i would walk was for the memory of my late cousin hanah rose* this year i have taken away from walking for her team "hanah's hopefuls" and started my own team, "olivia's biscuits" i know it's for the same cause at the end, the hospital, but the thought of taking away from hanah's memory is killing me inside. everyone around me agrees it isn't & they know how much i love(d) hanah rose. and just because i am now supporting the fact this hospital was able to save my olivia's life is nothing to feel bad about, but i can't shake this feeling. hanah knows i love her dearly, i have thought of her more lately than i have since she passed. this year hanah is the mile maker 3, which means they are honoring hanah's life with donating the third mile to her. there will be a poster with her picture & story on it for everyone to remember her, which will probably get me all choked up. i couldn't imagine how it;'s going to make her parents & siblings feel. i even saw her mother, my aunt, recently and spoke with her. something i didn't think would happen for years to come. hanah would probably be more upset with that than my team.
mentioning my aunt brings in the another factor. my family has always had serious drama but the kids (myself, brothers & cousins) were never involved in or even knew anything of. until hanah's parents got married & the spiral effect began. portions of the drama came out to the open to everyone slowly but right around hanah's passing it was all out there. lines were drawn, words were said that could never be taken back, all of the kids were affected, and began the whole "people we don't speak of" sad i know. my olivia rose* will never know her great-grandparents because of this; even some of her cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. it kills me. but what worries me more is since my papa's passing in march we have seen each other some of us tried to reconcile the past, others stayed the same stubborn asses they always were, and others, like myself, are stuck in an awkward spot. my aunt, hanah's mother, was my favorite aunt i had. she was so close to my age, fun, let me hang out with her, and into all the same stuff i wanted to be into. she was more like a sister for a long time than an aunt to me. for her to lose hanah in the same building were i had the scariest twelve days of my life with my baby & not having her with me thru phone, email, text, nothing seriously bothers me. of course the support team we had were amazing. i would never take that away from them. our family & friends seriously showed their true colors & mean even more to me now than they did before november twenty-fourth. but for the one person in the world who actually knew how we felt, how horribly incapable of taking care of your first child when they are born or help them in any way, lost, sleep-deprived, i honestly can't even grasp the words to give you a good perspective of how we felt but she knew! of course, the lines were already drawn & sides were taken but in a time of crisis i feel that is the time to pull together. no i didn't make the phone call to her, but i didn't make any phone calls to anyone. honestly. i gave my phone to my parents & had them take it out of the hospital. but cousins knew what happened & people talk, especially in my family & i knew she knew. she said she knew when i saw her at my papa's funeral. i just can't get past this. since the funeral she has made a number of attempts to contact me & rekindle our relationship, but i can't. i do hold grudges, and i am highly resentful. but i feel this is completely okay for the situation i am in. well! all of these people, "the people we don't speak of" will be at this walk supporting hanah's hopefuls. i am dreading it worse than i did with child birth, a root canal, anything! i know my grandparents won't acknowledge me, i accept that. but my aunt wants back in my life, she wants in olivia's life & wants her two children she has now to be in olivia's life. i should love this, right? i don't for some reason. i didn't even know my aunt had a third child, connor, NO IDEA. technically nothing was ever done to me by anyone but my grandfather, i was just a kid in the cross-fire & lost most of my family. i just don't want olivia going thru any un-needed, unnecessary drama. i never ever want her to ask me, "but where did aunti go, where's papa?" i will die inside.
maybe my stubborn-ness is getting the best of me here, maybe it isn't. but sunday is approaching fast, and i am going to have to deal with this & i am terrified. i do have an amazing team behind me, most of which know my issues with facing these people. my beloved* and snugglebutt will be there along with my parents, the only one of my mom's three sisters we have in our lives with her son & his friends, my brother & some of his friends,my dear friend julie & her daughter, my beloveds* cousin & her daughter, their cousin & my beloveds* father (i love him to death!) so i know i will be supported and have them all right by my side but the thought of seeing them, potentially having to play fake bullsh!t with them is turning my insides. sigh. i do feel a little better after this rant but the anxiety is eating me up and LoL the fact i am so anxious & can't shake it off is really getting on my nerves. i'll just take the advice of my beloveds* mother, she always has great advice, focus on the positive the miracle that is our olivia rose*, her bella and enjoy our families. it's going to be a beautiful day & after the great walk we are going to mosey on over to her house for some fantastic bbq & the rest of the family.

OLiViA'S BiSCUiTS*

so i am so excited about the NSTAR'S WALK FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL this year just for the fact of our olivia rose* is giving us the ammunition to participate, fundraise & walk. i got the shirts about a week ago & finally have begun the tee shirt process, which will probably be a long process for me. and i have mine done & as far of snugglebutt's as i am going to do. the portion left is where he can write or color what he wants on the shirt so he will love that. so here is a glimpse of the shirts. yay* team olivia biscuit's.
the team logo


snugglebutt's tee


my tee*

our walk.

Hello fellow bloggers. Again, I am slacking with blogging. Shame on me. But in my defense I have a six month old (yay*) & a five year old running around here, well Olivia Rose* is just causing a ruckus no walking yet. But she is rolling over, waving, yelling up a storm, and enjoying lots of fruits & vegies. Oh and seriously teething!
But the point of my blog today is remind everyone of our walk we are doing. NSTAR'S WALK FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL BOSTON, it is on June 13th here in Boston and we will walk 7 miles in efforts to raise money for the Children's Hospital here in Boston. And if you are a follower of mine you know last year with Olivia's birth we had an unexpected stay at Children's and they saved our little girl. So we walk now for my niece Hanah Rose* and our beautiful lil angel, Olivia Rose* (who got her middle name from her cousin who unfortunately couldn't be saved) BUT! Our lil lady was saved, nurtured by these amazing staff members & they also took amazing care of us as young, (I was) first time mom, and petrified parents.
So back to the walk, I just want to send it out there see if anyone bites. I am going to post the website for our team "OLIVIA'S BISCUITS" and any donation, if you can give, would be amazing or if you want information to join the walk if you're close enough to do so. Also, Children's Hospital of Boston just added a new website this morning called "WHY WALK?" which I found to be pretty awesome & wanted to share with everyone else, I know there are a lot of parents out there that would appreciate & enjoy it. And that is all for today, I promise I will start blogging more. Olivia is getting on a sleep schedule & I can do it late at night & I will. But here are those websites.

"WHY WALK?"
http://giving.childrenshospital.org/NetCommunity/Page.aspx?pid=2079

"OLIVIA"S BISCUITS"
https://howtohelp.childrenshospital.org/walk/pfp/?TeamID=LJ0137

happy tuesday everyone. it's going to be 90 & sunny here in Boston & I am off to enjoy it.

stop with the looks.

things have been busy! as of monday there will be a 5 yr old running around the house & an eight month old cooking in the belly. aidan is very excited that his baby sister, olivia rose* has been decided as her name, will have the same "birthday" as him. so with the move, getting bigger & getting tired easier, having aidan's energy growing, a man to love & spend time with, plus family friends & work it's been busy!

the move went swimmingly. i couldn't have asked for things to go much quicker or easier for us. seeing as how we didn't pack until the morning of, minus four boxes of dvd's we had to start from scratch the morning of after which being at a concert in the rain the night before & my cold being at it's worst! ha. but things went amazingly. my lil brother & his two friends were great help! brought up my dad's big work truck & with the three of them, my beloved* & uncle gee things got done fast! plus my mom & i made sure boxes were semi organized so the guys just left them in a room & we unloaded. and a week later it's a new big fantastic apartment. of course there are a few boxes in the living room & some small stuff still at the old place but for a pregnant lady & a pair of overnight fellas i think things went as perfect as possible! yay.

this past week has been rough. two huge blows of bad news, training & stress at work, a newbie quitting on us at pretty much last minute & screwing over two of my favorites at work rough isn't an accurate word choice for it but that's what we will go with. so we focus on the good per my mother. our shower for olivia rose* or as aidan wants to call her, his olivia biscuits* in a week, aidan's turning 5 monday morning & we have his big spooky halloween costume beeday party to prepare for on sunday. so we are keeping my busy, but as my beloved* says not too busy i'll take breaks to keep my mind busy. and my mom keeps on sending tidbits of funny little glimpses of info from our shower, it's a surprise so we know nothing!

but my question for this blog is . .why do people feel the need to stare at pregnant woman? i understand some stare or as the woman from chili's today shouts out 'you have the cutest pregnant belly, i just had to tell you i'm so sorry but you look absolutely adorable' but some people stare! that stare of 'oh my gosh (cause they don't use the lords name in vain) this little single girl is pregnant that is just gasp!' first of all. i'm "technically" single yes but i have the most amazing man & 5 yr old here with me to help raise her, my fabulous family/friends & my beloveds* family is always a text/call away for me but no i am not married so what. i am tired of hearing people say 'so you're gonna get married now right' why? the statistics of marriage are so low, not knocking it at all, but it's a fact people do it just to either to do it or do it too fast but feel it really is meant to be. i don't want the big d on my record personally. i feel that if i want to marry someone i don't need to rush, if he's in it for the long haul & we both want the marriage thing then why do we need to run down the alter now we'll still be there in 5 yrs or whatever, am i right? i think so. and i may look young but i am 24 yrs old, yes i am still a baby in certain people's eyes but i have also gone to college, graduated, worked a number of jobs & figured out where i like to work, and have done the out all night/every night thing & i am at a place in my life where i feel i am as ready as i'll ever be to do this. it happened, unplanned but it did & we are ready as a team to do this. so please. stop making those faces of judgement towards pregnant women even if i was a 16 yr old single lady who wasn't ready & completely unsure of the pregnancy you think those looks are going to help any? that 16 yr old could do just as good of a job as anyone else given the right mind set & those looks won't help any.
i guess that is all for the night. aidan will be up at a normal hour & he's gotta get ready for his first big 5th beeday bash he has with his mom this weekend. good night bloggers*