the cycle of anxiety

okay. so the anxiety is building up. i know it's all about the walk coming up on sunday, i have been so excited for this event. this is my sixth year, it's to help raise money to such a wonderful hospital, & it's to show off some of the amazing work that this hospital & staff can do (my lil olivia rose*) but it is also building so much anxiety. every year up to this year the sole reason i would walk was for the memory of my late cousin hanah rose* this year i have taken away from walking for her team "hanah's hopefuls" and started my own team, "olivia's biscuits" i know it's for the same cause at the end, the hospital, but the thought of taking away from hanah's memory is killing me inside. everyone around me agrees it isn't & they know how much i love(d) hanah rose. and just because i am now supporting the fact this hospital was able to save my olivia's life is nothing to feel bad about, but i can't shake this feeling. hanah knows i love her dearly, i have thought of her more lately than i have since she passed. this year hanah is the mile maker 3, which means they are honoring hanah's life with donating the third mile to her. there will be a poster with her picture & story on it for everyone to remember her, which will probably get me all choked up. i couldn't imagine how it;'s going to make her parents & siblings feel. i even saw her mother, my aunt, recently and spoke with her. something i didn't think would happen for years to come. hanah would probably be more upset with that than my team.
mentioning my aunt brings in the another factor. my family has always had serious drama but the kids (myself, brothers & cousins) were never involved in or even knew anything of. until hanah's parents got married & the spiral effect began. portions of the drama came out to the open to everyone slowly but right around hanah's passing it was all out there. lines were drawn, words were said that could never be taken back, all of the kids were affected, and began the whole "people we don't speak of" sad i know. my olivia rose* will never know her great-grandparents because of this; even some of her cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. it kills me. but what worries me more is since my papa's passing in march we have seen each other some of us tried to reconcile the past, others stayed the same stubborn asses they always were, and others, like myself, are stuck in an awkward spot. my aunt, hanah's mother, was my favorite aunt i had. she was so close to my age, fun, let me hang out with her, and into all the same stuff i wanted to be into. she was more like a sister for a long time than an aunt to me. for her to lose hanah in the same building were i had the scariest twelve days of my life with my baby & not having her with me thru phone, email, text, nothing seriously bothers me. of course the support team we had were amazing. i would never take that away from them. our family & friends seriously showed their true colors & mean even more to me now than they did before november twenty-fourth. but for the one person in the world who actually knew how we felt, how horribly incapable of taking care of your first child when they are born or help them in any way, lost, sleep-deprived, i honestly can't even grasp the words to give you a good perspective of how we felt but she knew! of course, the lines were already drawn & sides were taken but in a time of crisis i feel that is the time to pull together. no i didn't make the phone call to her, but i didn't make any phone calls to anyone. honestly. i gave my phone to my parents & had them take it out of the hospital. but cousins knew what happened & people talk, especially in my family & i knew she knew. she said she knew when i saw her at my papa's funeral. i just can't get past this. since the funeral she has made a number of attempts to contact me & rekindle our relationship, but i can't. i do hold grudges, and i am highly resentful. but i feel this is completely okay for the situation i am in. well! all of these people, "the people we don't speak of" will be at this walk supporting hanah's hopefuls. i am dreading it worse than i did with child birth, a root canal, anything! i know my grandparents won't acknowledge me, i accept that. but my aunt wants back in my life, she wants in olivia's life & wants her two children she has now to be in olivia's life. i should love this, right? i don't for some reason. i didn't even know my aunt had a third child, connor, NO IDEA. technically nothing was ever done to me by anyone but my grandfather, i was just a kid in the cross-fire & lost most of my family. i just don't want olivia going thru any un-needed, unnecessary drama. i never ever want her to ask me, "but where did aunti go, where's papa?" i will die inside.
maybe my stubborn-ness is getting the best of me here, maybe it isn't. but sunday is approaching fast, and i am going to have to deal with this & i am terrified. i do have an amazing team behind me, most of which know my issues with facing these people. my beloved* and snugglebutt will be there along with my parents, the only one of my mom's three sisters we have in our lives with her son & his friends, my brother & some of his friends,my dear friend julie & her daughter, my beloveds* cousin & her daughter, their cousin & my beloveds* father (i love him to death!) so i know i will be supported and have them all right by my side but the thought of seeing them, potentially having to play fake bullsh!t with them is turning my insides. sigh. i do feel a little better after this rant but the anxiety is eating me up and LoL the fact i am so anxious & can't shake it off is really getting on my nerves. i'll just take the advice of my beloveds* mother, she always has great advice, focus on the positive the miracle that is our olivia rose*, her bella and enjoy our families. it's going to be a beautiful day & after the great walk we are going to mosey on over to her house for some fantastic bbq & the rest of the family.