oh my word.

oh my. almost a month has passed again on me, where does the time go?! jeesh. well. since the last blog. i've gotten a new job, olivia is now 18 lbs & 29 inches, eating solid foods, screaming up a storm (and i mean screaming), snugglebutt turned 6!!!, his spooky costume party is this weekend, snugglebutt has also started fall soccer & kindergarten, my beloved* is still working the crazii schedule of the overnight life, and i have begun enjoying the part time working mom life. jeesh. a lot has been going on. olivia is getting so big on us so fast. watching snugglebutt age & grow didn't seem to be so abrupt but looking back on his pictures & what he looked like three years ago when i met him (omg! this winter will be three years, jeesh) but olivia just keeps growing longer & longer it seems everyday. i don't like it at all. i want my teenie tiny baby back. altho she is a lot easier & more fun now, i want my little peanut back. i guess we're just living life. things have been going swimmingly. but the crazii season has begun for us. it begins at the end of august. we have three kids' birthdays in the family, then snugglebutts, then a bunch of the adults in the family, olivia's & the holidays. is it new years yet? LoL happy thursday everyone.

question for the parents.

okay parents of the blogging world, i need some perspectives on a subject. olivia rose* has been a terror all week, she's teething so she's miserable. but that isn't the topic today. i had finally settled her down last night, literally got to put her down in her swing & walk away for a minute. so as i did that & walked outside for a smoke (yes, i smoke i know i know it's my vice) but anywho. so i am on my way out & a few people come over. i say please excuse me for a minute i'll be right back, if olivia isn't her usually perky self please don't mind her she's teething & has been a crank all week, but i just settled her down so please leave her be. well!!! i come back in five minutes later to hear "olivia sit down, oh man i can't back her back in" so i admit i did charge forward & push the person out of the way a bit, saying ok i got it i'll get her back in, person was persistent in helping so i continue with i got it leave it it's okay. i then ask, why did we take her out of the swing, did she spaz out? i am answered with oh no she just wanted to hold her. WHAT! so after i tell you not to take her out of her swing, you just take her out hand her off to someone i don't know & none of you wash your hands & i know that they smoked as well before they came in & THEY DIDN'T WASH THEIR HANDS. so i got pissed. i picked up olivia, changed her in her bedroom, put her in her walker in the kitchen (the people were in the living room) and washed OTHER PEOPLE'S DISHES YET AGAIN! i wasn't rude, two of the people were chit chatting about a resume but the third talked to me & olivia & of course i wasn't rude & talked back. so the friends per-seed to leave, we say goodbye, she thanks me for letting me hold olivia HEY SHITFACE I DIDN'T LET YOU YOU GUYS HELPED YOURSELF. i of course didn't say that. then one of the people come back & said i didn't mean to upset you, we just wanted to hold her. i said that's fine i wouldn't have had an issue with her holding olivia she takes care of kids but you didn't ask her you just helped yourself & you never do that so all of a sudden people come over & you do, none of you washed your hands & had come in from smoking & you know i want everyone's hands washed before holding her, and i had just said that i had settled her down to leave her be. i mean it's a common courtesy to just listen to what the mother says or at least ask before you just do it. well! then this same girl proceeds to text my beloved* while he is at work saying that she was really sorry didn't mean to upset anyone & that i had embarrassed her? really. fcuk that. you never just pick up my kid, you never touch her cause you don't wash your hands, i don't leave her alone with you & leave you incharge of her ever and now all of a sudden there are people here & you wanna act like olivia is a common sharing piece of furniture? really. i was furious & honestly don't even give a shit anymore if i upset or embarrassed her. i mean i tried my hardest not to be rude, or mean (cause apparently i have a mean side to me) but just to say my point & leave it at that. but now! now because you are a huge pussy & can't say something to my face and because you cry to my beloved* about something that doesn't involve him while he's at work i could care less about your fcuking feelings. i am sorry, but parents out there am i wrong? i'm not looking to keep olivia in a bubble, people can hold her & such but because of her whole episode at birth since the day she came home, NO! before she came home & we were still pregnant we made it pretty clear we wanted people to wash & sanitize. i mean we have at least one sanitizer bottle in every room, the truck, diaper bag, all of the carriages. can we get anymore clear than that? shit. i guess i just want the respect of being asked before you manhandle my kid. blagh. so that was my thursday night, how was everyone else's? i am so over this little episode, they can dwell on this shit but i will not but the next time i will not be so poliet or quiet about it, i'll really embarrass their skanky asses.

i want my baby!

so this week has been my first full week back to work, since my little peanut has been born. i know, it's been 8 months & i was lucky enough to stay home with her that entire time. i wanted to work, i wanted to get out of the house, have a few extra dollars to help out my beloved* & be that much more comfortable. i am only working part time, literally three minutes from my house and it's an easy, fun job. but the way my schedule is it has me working six days a week, for four or five hours, i think i have one six hour day. i am enjoying it. i work usually 11-3 or 4 & olivia rose usually naps around noon til 3 sometimes a little off that schedule, but i'm not missing too much. i do work one night & a mid shift but last night & tonight my little lady is staying with her nana & papa, my parents. so i am missing her like crazii. yes, everyone has told me it gets easier & i need the me-time. i'm not complaining about work in any way shape or form, i wanted to work, i did this myself. but i miss her. i miss her like crazii, while i'm working i miss her, but it's not that bad cause obviously i'm busy & going, but the second i come home & she is sleeping or not here, i am like baby girl! come home to muma. arg. i guess i was just looking for another outlet to get this separation anxiety out, my beloved* says it gets easier & reminds me why i'm working but it's tough on a first time mom. i just want to snuggle her up & never let her go. i don't think i will handle pre-K & kindergarden day one drop-off well at all!

he said she said crowd

okay. so it's been almost a month since my last blog. i know! i am seriously slacking. with olivia now 8 months old & mobile, only in her walker or walks with support from someone, it makes things a little difficult. i also just began working part-time yesterday, super exciting. life is crazii. baby, five year old, my beloved*, house work, real work, and trying to attempt at having a social life and of course sleeping! i love sleep it gets tough to sit here & blog.
all is well with us. olivia just had her six month checkup with her cardiologist & she got a clean bill of health. the appt was a difficult one tho. she was sedated for an ultrasound of her heart; so she wasn't able to eat or drink for a few hours before, we had to keep her awake on the 40 minute car ride down, and then right after giving her the meds to help her sleep she was miserable! watching your child cry, scream, fuss for food & to stay awake is torture. but it was worth it. her cardiologist, dr diego, thought she looked amazing & her ultrasound cleared us of any worries we thought we might have had. so that was super. her older brother snugglebutt finally held her, he loves playing with her & has all these plans to teach her different stuff. so we are super excited about all of his involvement he has had with her lately. olivia still wants absolutely nothing to do with baby food. now when i say baby food i mean the jars of mush we're suppose to give our lil ones. the gerber puffs, real fruit in a mesh bag, any lil snacks we give her she loves but crack open that jar & attempt to put it near her & we end up wearing it. i have no idea what to do, if anyone has any tips (please don't say "she'll eat when she's ready" that's all i've been getting) please send them this way.

but i wanted to blog tonight because i am now 25, have a child, in a serious relationship & have seriously grown up even before olivia was born i was a little bit more mature in certain aspects than others my age & some older than me. why is it that all of these websites; facebook, myspace, twitter, blogging gives people the balls to start smack talking others. of course we all do it to an extent, it's only human. but for someone to make serious accusations about another's life is appalling to me. yes, we let tons of people into our lives thru these websites but some of us don't put our entire lives out there for others to see so what people are going off may not be the whole story. also. just because you hear a portion of a story from someone else, the whole "he said she said" business doesn't mean you have any idea what is really going on. just frustrating. i am actually proud of myself that i haven't gotten all flustered about these silly little episodes, i've remained pretty calm about it actually. but it's just like; we are adults, some of us have kids, husbands, wives, when is it time for others to grow up too. no you have no "real responsibilities" so you can live your life as you please, but when do you realize i'm twenty something years old & you need to get over the gossip. blah. that is all for tonight, i feel a little better after venting. gotta go bath, feed & snuggle my little lovely up. ciao!

the cycle of anxiety

okay. so the anxiety is building up. i know it's all about the walk coming up on sunday, i have been so excited for this event. this is my sixth year, it's to help raise money to such a wonderful hospital, & it's to show off some of the amazing work that this hospital & staff can do (my lil olivia rose*) but it is also building so much anxiety. every year up to this year the sole reason i would walk was for the memory of my late cousin hanah rose* this year i have taken away from walking for her team "hanah's hopefuls" and started my own team, "olivia's biscuits" i know it's for the same cause at the end, the hospital, but the thought of taking away from hanah's memory is killing me inside. everyone around me agrees it isn't & they know how much i love(d) hanah rose. and just because i am now supporting the fact this hospital was able to save my olivia's life is nothing to feel bad about, but i can't shake this feeling. hanah knows i love her dearly, i have thought of her more lately than i have since she passed. this year hanah is the mile maker 3, which means they are honoring hanah's life with donating the third mile to her. there will be a poster with her picture & story on it for everyone to remember her, which will probably get me all choked up. i couldn't imagine how it;'s going to make her parents & siblings feel. i even saw her mother, my aunt, recently and spoke with her. something i didn't think would happen for years to come. hanah would probably be more upset with that than my team.
mentioning my aunt brings in the another factor. my family has always had serious drama but the kids (myself, brothers & cousins) were never involved in or even knew anything of. until hanah's parents got married & the spiral effect began. portions of the drama came out to the open to everyone slowly but right around hanah's passing it was all out there. lines were drawn, words were said that could never be taken back, all of the kids were affected, and began the whole "people we don't speak of" sad i know. my olivia rose* will never know her great-grandparents because of this; even some of her cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. it kills me. but what worries me more is since my papa's passing in march we have seen each other some of us tried to reconcile the past, others stayed the same stubborn asses they always were, and others, like myself, are stuck in an awkward spot. my aunt, hanah's mother, was my favorite aunt i had. she was so close to my age, fun, let me hang out with her, and into all the same stuff i wanted to be into. she was more like a sister for a long time than an aunt to me. for her to lose hanah in the same building were i had the scariest twelve days of my life with my baby & not having her with me thru phone, email, text, nothing seriously bothers me. of course the support team we had were amazing. i would never take that away from them. our family & friends seriously showed their true colors & mean even more to me now than they did before november twenty-fourth. but for the one person in the world who actually knew how we felt, how horribly incapable of taking care of your first child when they are born or help them in any way, lost, sleep-deprived, i honestly can't even grasp the words to give you a good perspective of how we felt but she knew! of course, the lines were already drawn & sides were taken but in a time of crisis i feel that is the time to pull together. no i didn't make the phone call to her, but i didn't make any phone calls to anyone. honestly. i gave my phone to my parents & had them take it out of the hospital. but cousins knew what happened & people talk, especially in my family & i knew she knew. she said she knew when i saw her at my papa's funeral. i just can't get past this. since the funeral she has made a number of attempts to contact me & rekindle our relationship, but i can't. i do hold grudges, and i am highly resentful. but i feel this is completely okay for the situation i am in. well! all of these people, "the people we don't speak of" will be at this walk supporting hanah's hopefuls. i am dreading it worse than i did with child birth, a root canal, anything! i know my grandparents won't acknowledge me, i accept that. but my aunt wants back in my life, she wants in olivia's life & wants her two children she has now to be in olivia's life. i should love this, right? i don't for some reason. i didn't even know my aunt had a third child, connor, NO IDEA. technically nothing was ever done to me by anyone but my grandfather, i was just a kid in the cross-fire & lost most of my family. i just don't want olivia going thru any un-needed, unnecessary drama. i never ever want her to ask me, "but where did aunti go, where's papa?" i will die inside.
maybe my stubborn-ness is getting the best of me here, maybe it isn't. but sunday is approaching fast, and i am going to have to deal with this & i am terrified. i do have an amazing team behind me, most of which know my issues with facing these people. my beloved* and snugglebutt will be there along with my parents, the only one of my mom's three sisters we have in our lives with her son & his friends, my brother & some of his friends,my dear friend julie & her daughter, my beloveds* cousin & her daughter, their cousin & my beloveds* father (i love him to death!) so i know i will be supported and have them all right by my side but the thought of seeing them, potentially having to play fake bullsh!t with them is turning my insides. sigh. i do feel a little better after this rant but the anxiety is eating me up and LoL the fact i am so anxious & can't shake it off is really getting on my nerves. i'll just take the advice of my beloveds* mother, she always has great advice, focus on the positive the miracle that is our olivia rose*, her bella and enjoy our families. it's going to be a beautiful day & after the great walk we are going to mosey on over to her house for some fantastic bbq & the rest of the family.

5 days & counting

so. a lot is going on yet not so much at the same time. we had a pretty exciting past two weekends; ufc fight night with friends, cook out with friends, celtics playoff game with friends, park time with the kids, & snuggle time for me & my beloved*. we also did what i like to call "beginning of summer time" scrub down of the house. now we are battling a cold with miss olivia rose*, trying to get snugglebutt to decide what he would like on his shirt that isn't a zombie, someone killing someone, or that general idea LoL and my beloved* also needs to figure out what he would like on his shirt & then the shirts are done for the walk. we planned a big bbq for last weekend to help raise money for the NSTAR'S WALK FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL but due to the weather people not forecasting the weather correctly we cancelled the bbq on a beautiful day & had just a few friends over to relax & enjoy the kids night off. but i am 95% done with the team shirts for the walk, olivia even has her own special shirt which i am pretty excited & got emotional about. LoL first time moms & our emotions jeesh. but this week/weekend is just prep & organization for the walk. i am hoping to have some of the walkers over saturday night to have a pasta dinner night so we all eat some wicked yummy & good food for fuel for us. we have about 6 kids coming, lots of friends & family. i am so pumped for this year. we'll get our own team photo to go up in the hospital's news letter! then after the walk we will be going back to olivia & snugglebutt's papa mcg's house for some of his most fantastic bbq & family. the walk once in a while falls on the bunker hill parade day where my beloved* grew up so we lost a lot of walkers due to that, but all is well. we will be meeting up with them after, hanging for a short amount of time. we have to get up pretty early to get everyone up here (we are north of boston) ready & head down to get there in time to register & enjoy some of the fun activities they have going on. i am a little bummed the celtics players or cheerleaders are usually there but there will be a playoff game that day so they'll all be busy. i was hoping snugglebutt & his cousins could see them but maybe next year.
but that is all that is going on here. busy, busy bees over here. hope everyone else is enjoying their weeks. the weather here in boston has cooled off a bit so it is pretty enjoyable out. happy tuesday*

memorial day wknd

okay. so i am determined to start blogging more frequently, i swear! a lot has happened in the last week or so. let's start with last thursday (before then not much went on; play-date for me, olivia, aunti julie & baby bella*, that's at least a once a week thing), but on thursday i was baby-sitting little miss rileigh marie* down in boston (we're a lil north of boston) so i called up my beloveds* cousin/baby sister bailee and her son owen (he's 10 months) and we all went to the park. bailee lives in the town where my beloved* grew up & where olivias* godfather lives. this poor man works two jobs, tries so hard to get a chance to come up or hook up with us when we are down but it's failed so many times that i finally was just like that's it olivia is meeting her godfather today! and she did, and she loved him! he came to the park & met us. olivia instantly fell in love with him; went right into his arms, had no issues hanging with him even if i walked away to check on rileigh*, played, talked up a storm to him. i was thrilled. and then on saturday he came up for the ufc fight night with a few other friends of my beloveds* and saw both snugglebutt & olivia* i was so happy! olivia isn't a shy baby but for her to be so friendly & even chatting with a new face is a big deal so i was just a happy pig in mud by this. and snugglebutt of course loves him to death because he is a guy who loves kids & is great with them, altho he did start a nasty rumor that daddy has a money tree LoL which i wish was true.
but here is where things get funny! saturday night we had about 7 big guys, two ladies, and 4 kids in the living room! ha. we don't have a small place but it's not equipped to have kitchen chairs, a recliner, rocking chair, sofa, kids on the floor & a game chair all over the living room so i went to step over a chair when my sandal got caught on the leg & boom! right on my butt. my cousin stated "dude it looked like you slipped on ice & your legs went over your head & you went doOoWN!" LoL fantastic. it knocked the wind out of me & of course i was a wee bit embarrassed but i got over that quickly. i of course tried to drink the pain away which only worsened the blow in the morning. haha. woke up to three kids, a hungover daddy, and a mess in the house. haha. luckily/unluckily snugglebutt didn't have soccer & his mom was around so we were able to drop him off with her & go to the er. because my butt & back were insanely sore & hurting. after two hours of trying to sit in those horribly uncomfortable seats, or trying to pace around the hallways. we got a verdict of a badly bruised tailbone & upset sciatic nerve. got some marvelous pain killers & anti-inflammatory meds which knocked me out & have helped a ton.
then this morning olivia had her six month check up; she looks amazing the doctor said, sounds great, great weight gain, she is on the taller side for her age (i'm hoping she'll be like her aunti jyll; long legs, skinny & gorgeous), she of course got some shots which she did pretty well with but knocked her out for most of the day which was great due to my butt killing me & my meds knocking me out.
well that was our weekend, pretty busy & now i must begin the preparing for next weekends festivities tomorrow. luckily my OCD & beloved* helped do the "beginning of summer cleaning" yes i do it for every season. i love to clean & when i get the motivation i just go with it. now having a child i am insanely worse with it. i sweep at least once a day, scrub cabinets, floors, the fridge! i am bad. but no one complains when the house is nice & clean :)
well that was our weekend. hope everyone had an enjoyable memorial day weekend too. here's to a fantastic summer. ours is starting off great, let's hope it stays that way.
OH! and wish me luck tomorrow night, i bought a powerball ticket, it's up to $260 million. would be a nice little check to have.

our walk.

Hello fellow bloggers. Again, I am slacking with blogging. Shame on me. But in my defense I have a six month old (yay*) & a five year old running around here, well Olivia Rose* is just causing a ruckus no walking yet. But she is rolling over, waving, yelling up a storm, and enjoying lots of fruits & vegies. Oh and seriously teething!
But the point of my blog today is remind everyone of our walk we are doing. NSTAR'S WALK FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL BOSTON, it is on June 13th here in Boston and we will walk 7 miles in efforts to raise money for the Children's Hospital here in Boston. And if you are a follower of mine you know last year with Olivia's birth we had an unexpected stay at Children's and they saved our little girl. So we walk now for my niece Hanah Rose* and our beautiful lil angel, Olivia Rose* (who got her middle name from her cousin who unfortunately couldn't be saved) BUT! Our lil lady was saved, nurtured by these amazing staff members & they also took amazing care of us as young, (I was) first time mom, and petrified parents.
So back to the walk, I just want to send it out there see if anyone bites. I am going to post the website for our team "OLIVIA'S BISCUITS" and any donation, if you can give, would be amazing or if you want information to join the walk if you're close enough to do so. Also, Children's Hospital of Boston just added a new website this morning called "WHY WALK?" which I found to be pretty awesome & wanted to share with everyone else, I know there are a lot of parents out there that would appreciate & enjoy it. And that is all for today, I promise I will start blogging more. Olivia is getting on a sleep schedule & I can do it late at night & I will. But here are those websites.

"WHY WALK?"
http://giving.childrenshospital.org/NetCommunity/Page.aspx?pid=2079

"OLIVIA"S BISCUITS"
https://howtohelp.childrenshospital.org/walk/pfp/?TeamID=LJ0137

happy tuesday everyone. it's going to be 90 & sunny here in Boston & I am off to enjoy it.

time flies.

time flies! phew. almost another month since my last blog. well easter pictures were a bust, altho my beloveds* family did get a few cute ones with the easter bunny! so i'll have to get those from them. olivia wanted no part of either of her easter dresses & here in boston it was fairly warm out so i wasn't fighting her to sit in them so there aren't any pictures LoL maybe we'll just put her in them & take some photos it's chilly again. but things have been busy. olivia is growing so much. now five months old, she wants her hands in everything & to chew everything. she's eating rice cereal & hated green beans but what kid doesn't. today we will try squash or sweet potatoes & see how those go. snugglebutt started soccer! he is really good. due to the weather he's only had two game/practice sessions & got two goals each time, gets right in the mess of kids trying to get the ball, he's amazing at it. he hasn't been as crabby LoL what five year olds aren't. but the weather has been nice & we've all been getting him outside & i brought him to see his aunts & cousins so he has perked right up.
i am actually going to upload some pictures to the computer & i will post later today or tomorrow morning while olivia naps again lots of pictures i have of them. aw kids. they consume you. i love it. happy tuesday.

pictures!

so as i said in my last blog i have been seriously slacking on updating photos of my precious little lady. so i went through some photos my family has posted on the internet (slacking posting there as well LOL) so i have selected just a few to put up tonight, olivia is visiting with her nana & papa law tonight so i have time to myself . . what do i do? LOL so here are just a few taken rather recently & she had another huge milestone today, she got her ears pierced! it's a family thing that we get them done wicked early & due to the surgery, flu season, etc crap we had to wait until she had two sets of shots in her & she got the second set on monday. and i honestly think i cried more than olivia rose* did when she got it done. altho they say "it's usually a similar reaction to when babies get shots" that's a crock of sh!t. olivia does well with her shots, cries a bit & as soon as she's comforted she just stares at the doctor like what the hell. today!! today, she flipped out. i honestly haven't seen her flip out like that since children's & then there was way more than plenty of reason for her to flip. haha. i actually almost chickened out, yeah i tried to right before we sat in the chair. my dad took a video of it & after it was over we watched it i actually both laughed & cried at it. my baby looks even more gorgeous with her gold pink studs! awe my precious. happy rainy tuesday!

playing with her godmother* she spoils her so much


shopping with me & my parents, nana & papa law. they also spoil her so much.


she got her ears pierced today. i think i cried more than she did. also, more shopping done afterwards nana & papa law thought she endured so much that day she needed a shopping spree LoL no pictures tho too much comforting being done.

4 months.

so. last wednesday my little precious lady turned four months! omg. time really does fly. i was just talking to olivia's gamma (my beloved*s mom) telling her everything that was going on & i got all choked up, man my baby is growing up already & i am having a fun yet really hard time with it. we had her four month checkup today which of course entailed two shots but it also consisted of a pound weight gain totaling 13 pounds & 6 ounces, she is in the 75% for her height & has a big head LoL we also can start planning her christening yay* (we had to do a bit of waiting due to her surgery), she will be getting her ears pierced this week & has two of the most gorgeous dresses one from her godmother & the other from her papa mcg (he is an amazing shopper!) we did a room switch with our room & the kids room. there seems to be so much more space in both room now with the switch. snugglebutt seemed to love it today he had all his trucks out, legos everywhere we just got to get him liking the clean up process a bit more. the whole sharing thing he is doing great with but for him he sees it as his room (olivia does just sleep in there) so he's like why do i need to move them. LoL yeah fire truck, little army guys in the middle of the floor are going to be the death of me. LoL but olivia's appointment went wonderful. it's funny when looking for a pediatrician we didn't want a young doctor LoL our first meeting with the new pedi we got the young doctor but she is absolutely amazing! we love her, she is amazing with olivia. i just absolutely love her doctor. but we got a clean bill of health for everything, she had her special shot, gaining weight just like she should be. things are amazing with her. she is laughing (cutest little laugh she sort of hiccups during it, adorable!), grabbing things, slobbering all over everything/everyone, having cute little screaming fits. loves mickey mouse clubhouse, pooh & tiger, spongebob!, little einsteins,& ni hao ki lan! i love ni hao ki lan & when shopping the other day with my parents we saw her toys, aah! so excited.
with easter coming up this weekend our lounging & relaxing is coming to a halt but for great reason. food, family & here in boston weather in the upper 70s aah! super excited. normally my beloved* & i haven't spent easter with his family but all rules go out the door when there is a new baby in the mess. also, i have been trying to get snugglebutt down to the city to visit his cousins as often as our crazy schedules lets us, so we are doing Sat with that side of the family & then Sunday with mine. we have gone to my aunts the past two years for easter, my younger cousins love my beloved* & snugglebutt. but snugglebutt's mom's family is a lot more religious & into the holiday so of course he would spend it with them but we will go there sunday. but this great weather coming up makes the weekend that much more exciting. it is raining again like crazy but i personally could give a crap less because there is light at the end of the wet tunnel LoL
not much else going on here other than the mom & family thing. i haven't posted pictures in a long time of my little peanut or anyone else so i am hoping after this weekend i will have tons more to chose from to post. oh! huge milestone my peanut is teething. LoL
happy monday. yay to a great weekend.

a month later

so i hadn't realized it's been over a month since my last blog, woah. well since the last blog what has happened? lol a whole lot. Olivia had her visit with her cardiologist since she left children's; he was so impressed, said she seemed like a brand new healthy gorgeous baby girl, clean bill of health & received her RSV shot to help her with not getting too sick. olivia also got her first cold which was worse on me than her, she also got mommy & daddy sick which again was worse on us than on her, lol. kids man i preached it forever they harbor germs and i got to feel that first hand still looking for the culprit that got my peanut sick & i will find them LoL. olivia is now laughing, screaming up a storm, making amazing faces at us, loves to stare at her daddy, had her first meeting with the easter bunny & is being spoiled everyday by family & friends.
aidan is doing wonderful; still his hyper all over the place self, loving his toys & games, being silly & still a little hesitant to play with his sister but we give him no pressure due to the ordeal we all went through but one day i will get him to snuggle her up & have a feeling he'll just be another one i'll have to fight to get my peanut back. LoL
in bad news my family has lost our dearly papa who was the backbone to our family. it was the best thing for him, he was so sick & tired & just ready to go. one thing that stands out to me that happened in his last few weeks he wanted to see olivia & when i walked her over to him he said to me & my brother "the baby is here, the baby is okay i can go now" crushing & beautiful at the same time. that man was the love of my life, the one thing i always wanted in my entire life; not money, fancy things, but a picture dancing with him in a wedding dress. LoL for me i never thought that day would come just because i wasn't for the whole marriage thing but now it won't due to he has passed. i have been battling in my head whether that is super selfish of me to think that way but every woman in my family has had it & i get to be the first that goes without, but again i was never for marriage so i should have been ready to never get it right? sigh. i also tried to do a reading for him at his funeral & i personally tend to joke & horse-around when extremely nervous & that is how i was leading up to the funeral. even at the wake i was okay, where i thought i would be worse. but the morning of the funeral, during the funeral i lost it. when my name was announced i couldn't even stand. i was so embarrassed & upset with myself that i couldn't even attempt to do it. my aunt (his daughter) who was crushed by his passing said she was honored that i even agreed to it & knew i wouldn't be able to get through the whole reading but that my papa knew how i felt & knew i did my best & couldn't be prouder. of course there is always family drama everywhere we go & his services were just the same. although a lot of amends were made & things seem to be looking up in the family situation which he would be thrilled of, he was again the backbone of the family & no matter what drama we thought would go down at an event he would be there front row making the most noise & being the proudest. he will be dearly missed everyday of the rest of my life. but i am lucky enough to have my beloved & olivia meet him before he passed & he loved them both. i am even thinking about calling olivia 'livi' because he called her that.
my beloved is doing well. he has been stressed lately due to normal things but other than that things are just swimming. i unfortunately didn't go back to work. yes i know i need the adult interaction & the escape from being trapped in the house all day with peanut but the amount of stress, anxiety & anguish i endured working there it wasn't worth it. i due plan on finding something closer to home, part-time & enjoyable for work & have come across a few good looking prospects.
so all in all things are going pretty well. wish certain things were a little different but things happen for a reason & we will always come out stronger. happy tuesday.

what to do.

okay so i know i recently blogged about anxiety issues but how about anger issues? i've always been easy to get a rise out of & lately the smallest thing has been setting me off & i got into a rage, yell & rant for a good amount of time & a serious obstacle i need to overcome is holding a grudge. now i mean "holding a grudge" i hold them for years; i can never let go of someone hurting, betraying, or disrespecting me. now i know i am having anxiety issues, that's pretty obvious from the last blog & also just i can tell. but now the anxiety levels are getting to be too much & turning into anger & rage.
with the birth of olivia rose* not being ideal & having the issues she had unexpectedly people have mentioned i should either just talk to someone or find a group of people who have similar events occur to them. and i mentioned the anxiety & emotions i have been going thru with my doctor & she gave me some numbers to call, she actually said she was going to recommend it whether i was having issues or not, due to everything that had happened. now i have no objections or reservations about talking, please i love to do it & even talking with my beloved* i hold back a bit. i mean he went thru all of this as well he doesn't want to listen to me b!tch about it all the time, i mean he never does (which is a whole other issue) but it seems to me that the american way isn't to sit & talk, at least with professionals. it seems to me that you go & see someone; tell them what goes on, how you feel, how it affects your life & relationships & then a prescription is just given like candy. it sounds horrible but i do have reservations about being medicated or needing something to help me. i was grown up that we are tough, we can hang & deal with our issues in house it's no one elses' business. and talking with a good amount of people from different situations; some medicated for anxiety, depression, helping someone else with these issues i have come to understand that it could be only a temporary thing to help get someone thru a tough time, and believe me this i think is as tough as it's gonna get. but then there's the issue of getting addicted. what if it happens; i know it takes time but i have this idea in my head that it can happen overnight, i realize that isn't so but i have heard certain drugs can happen fairly quickly.
i am not sure where i am going with this maybe just looking for somewhere to vent & not have to hear the feedback from the same places i've been getting it from. i don't feel i am depressed; well i do have some days i just don't give a fcuk, could care less what goes on & etc, other days i am myself & then there are my angry days. i guess another issue i have with taking a step into the direction of talking with someone or being medicated is people judging me. i am in NO WAY thinking or even feeling i could harm myself or my daughter. and i fear that that may be what think. i mean i would once in a while like to punch a certain few people in the face but i've always had those feelings, some people just deserve it sometimes come on now. but i feel that if you truly just let all your walls down & tell someone every single thought, feeling, or just emotion that may be what someone may think about me. i mean i am not a violent person & would def never hurt my baby girl, she is just too precious, beautiful & been thru enough already i could never purposely/accidently put her thru anything else.
huh. so that's that for today. i have been seriously considering tho finding at least a group of people that have been going thru this & talking. maybe talking to other people who have had a similar ordeal with help me out. because so many people i know whether they followed all "the rules" or just did whatever they wanted while pregnant have had beautiful, healthy little kids & my biggest issue is why olivia? she is so tiny, innocent, precious & i did everything i could to make sure i was doing right by her & still am. i guess i will end the blog today in saying happy monday* hope all have a wonderful week, i am off with my mom* to visit her doctor, that itself is a whole other topic i do not want to talk about.

anxiety.

so lately i apparently have been having some anxiety issues. i was having dreams that people (no idea who) would come & take my olivia rose* away from me. at first i figured it was due to all the chaos with olivia's birth but lately it has been every night. i wake up in a compleely covered in sweat, fear, shock & i have to immediately just look at my peanut. has this ever happened to any other new mother? i am coming up to the end of my maternity ward & having to go back to work has really been taking a toll on me. i want to but i don't, it's a double-edged sword. getting out of the house & being "an adult" again but missing precious time with my little girl. what if i miss her first steps, her first word? it'll be crushing. ugh. so much going on in this crazii little head of mine. my beloved* tells me that once i start the wheels in my head it's a spiral downhill slope. i start thinking of whatever began the wheels turning then it turns into other crazii off the wall nonsense. it's so weird LoL but i am just hoping this anxiety is normal, going back to work & leaving my first born is a big deal right? this happens to other women, or dads if they do the staying at home bit with baby. i guess i am just looking for feedback; other women to tell me this happened to them, that it will subside once i get into my "new routine" of work & such. okay. that is all for the day. busy day ahead of me; food shopping, cleaning, miss olivia rose* is hanging with her nana & papa while i actually get a night out with some ladies i haven't seen in forever & then superbowl sunday* happy weekend everyone.

change.

so today i am blogging in regards to old friends. once you no longer have an old friend in your life does that mean our feelings, attitudes, or just general perception of them change? whether it is on a bad note or just time, distance, seperation they were once your friend & you though so highly of them to call them that & involve them in your life why is it that so many people turn ugly once ties fall apart? we are all guilty of distancing ourselves from our friends when we meet a new significant other, we all are! we go thru a period of doing certain things, wearing certain clothes, & being a certain person until time just changes it. whether we all agree with it or not things will always change. or of course if we're college friends, high school friends, friends we meet on a business trip we have to grow up & move on. then there is the ugly issue i've learned the hard way, friends at work! learned that does not exsist, for some reason the human race can not seperate things that happen outside of work & then the professional go-getter work atmospher that goes on. yet with all of these situations & of course there's a ton more key thing that happens is change. it's inevitable! we grow up, apart, wider, taller, darker, more serious, more of a clown & we most importantly need to accept & appreciate ourselves so why is it that so often the ones we surruond ourselves with, our "friends" have issues with these changes? i feel it's a question i will never have fully answered because i have friends from years ago that have accepted every wacky change i've made as well as teh more serious life alerting changes but then i had friends that couldn't deal with tiny changes i was making to better myself & my financial standings. weird. i guess as i look across the room at the love of my life, olivia rose* i just pray that she will not have to deal with these things as much, maybe by the time she is a teenager people will just be over themselves & let people be themselves. wiseful thinking huh.

people are evil.

so i have been gone for a good amount of time. we've had lots of issues lately not happy with what luck we've had, that would be bad luck. first we had issues with our kitchen sink drain, then toilet, the washing machine, our computer the truck 2x, & tonight i have my father's computer (tax season we got to borrow it) & i come across this blog that sh!ts on people! people i know. wtf. why is it that we need to do this? people suck we all know this; everyone does, whether talks too much, dresses weird, is mean, ignorant, whatever it is why do we need to go to the level of crapping on people on the internet? i feel the internet & all of these social websites or networks are a double edge sword; you come across a great blog where you learn & there is serious talks to going on or you come across a facbook status that is just absolutely horrid, cruel & mean. i personally feel if you don't have the balls to say it to someones face you shouldn't be typing your anger away where the world can see it & some not so stupid people can figure out who you are talking about. it's just wrong & humiliating. ugh! i can't stand people they are so cruel, selfish, ignorant, thinking my shit don't stink animals, especially when you are probably the worst & you crap on others? really.

in good news! olivia is now just one day shy of 9 weeks old! yay. my baby is growing so fast; she is holding things, eating her hands like crazii, uses her legs to stand for a second (leaning on someone of course), doesn't love tummy time but is great at picking her head up off the pillow, laughs all the time, tries to talk but of course can't quiet yet. awe. how i love her so. my beloved's beeday just passed, the big 28. threw him a surprise party with all of his friends, aw! he had a blast, of course was caught completely off guard & a lil pissy but we all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly & a lot more people came than expected. overall things are great & turning around i just had to get that first bit off my chest.

people preach how wonderful they are & they do good but in reality once a friend shouldn't they always be a friend? no? i think so, if you have so much hatred & anger towards someone were they ever really your friend? people man. happy monday & feb, the month of love

small photo recap of 2009

we got dressed up & looked perdy. my beloved* had his marvelous beard


i went to vegas!


we watched friends get married*




we got pregnant!


we had accidents.


we went on trips.


i went thru the "beautiful" process of delivery.


we became a family.


we had miss olivia rose*s first christmas.


that is just a few of our photo collection from our 2009 year. it was absolutely fantastic; all the heartaches, backaches, headaches, laughs, smiles, extreme tough times, i wouldn't change a thing of it. it was perfect. my dearest friend julie also had her first child miss isabella* i unfortunately do not have any pictures on the computer of her but she is on our fridge and she is gorgeous as well. i bid you a fair farewell 2009 times were good, onto 2010 & more memories with loved ones.

two days to go.

so it is now only two days away from the new year, 2010. can you believe it? were we not just in this same spot like yesterday? freezing, calming down from the sugar rush of christmas, & highly anticipating the "adults night" with no kids running around screaming. man! it seems like it for me. this time last year it was me & my beloved*'s second new years together spending it with his family & i was just thrilled, it was also insanely cold, icy & snowing on the roads i remember that from picking up his cousin, my friend kaiti. but this year has completely changed our worlds. instead of the three of us; me, my beloved* & snugglebutt we now are blessed with the presence of our miss olivia rose* lost some friends, gained some new ones & even realized who really will be there for you in a time of need. this year has been amazing, tough, sad, & just mind blowing. we lost loved ones, gained new ones, become a mother/father/grandparents/uncles/aunts, moved onto bigger & better things, changed looks & just enjoyed life. it's also the end of another decade. woah! another decade down the shoot. i just want to blog today about how i have realized this all for myself; the loss of loved ones, friends, gain of new ones, the fact i was actually planning on missing motherhood (crazii me), & just falling in love with someone all over again & realizing who/what really matters. i hope everyone else triumphed through their own tough times & enjoyed the happy ones. shit happens no matter what we plan or want it's how we react, cope & transform from them that really says who we are. i feel phenomenal after everything that has happened or been said. i am happy with exactly where i am & who i'm surrounded by. here's to everyone else feeling the same way & to another great year in 2010.

how do you . . .

now i have a serious question, probably will actually end up being a debate. but! the topic is or question; in today's day & age our lives intertwine so insanely & closely with others sometimes people that we would not rather have anything to do with & probably never want to have anything to do with. but how do with deal with this? you try the yeah sure you're there thing but you have to actually socialize so you try the "friend thing" but that obviously doesn't work because once forced to have to be sociable with someone kind of kills the enjoyment of the person. how does this work? for myself once someone has crossed me to the point i can not deal with their existence of being around me everything they do will drive me past my breaking point? but we are all adults here, i mean i am a mom now & i honestly don't change over night but i really could careless for a lot of crap but certain things really tick me off & the fact i would usually blow up is kind of childish and up until (exactly a month today) i was alone. i mean yes i am with my beloved* but i only really had to worry for myself, now i have my precious miss olivia rose* and not that i would like to blow up on people, i would just like them to be easier to deal with & sometimes, well a lot of times, people blow situations/conversations out of proportion & again someone has to "be the bigger person" why me?! why do i need to suck it up & just look the other way, let it roll off my back. i am not that type of person, things "rolling off my back" don't happen. so again the question/topic is how do you deal with a person in your life that shouldn't or wouldn't necessarily be there on your terms but they are & you need to be civil, sociable & pretend to like them?

out & about

so i finally got out . . with olivia rose* that is & not to a doctor appt. LoL only to my parents & my beloved*s parents but hey! i wasn't home i barely held her (which was bittersweet, missed our snuggle time but great to be free of the extra 8 lbs on my right arm) we went to my parents had lunch there & actually went to meet my dad's friend, the tattoo artist & watch him at work. gone for an hour i was dying from separation anxiety so i made him rush me back to her. LoL hung out a bit more but then moved onto the next house, the McG clan. so once arrived we were greeted by carrie! everyone else was gone so it was a nice way to ween into all the people, that house has always got at least 5 people in it LoL which is fabulous. then muma mcg came home with machelle, morgann & ryan. i knew morgann (she's olivia's cousin, only other girl) she was going to be thrilled, as soon as we told everyone we were pregnant she was excited & begged for a girl! amazing with olivia! she held her perfectly, moved around with her great (a little nervous at first but she was a natural) ryan was a little too nervous but instead of being shy with me he sat with me, starred at olivia, he wasn't into making faces or talking to her LoL which was a-okay because olivia seemed to enjoy just looking at his handsome face. machelle & jyll (sister's along with carrie to my beloved*) loved olivia, jay (jyll's boyfriend) was a natural. olivia just melted into his shoulder. and cousin kassi was a natural, she just loved playing with kassi. and then! then papa mcg came home & it was all over, olivia absolutely loves her papa mcg, he is so snuggley why wouldn't she, now i know this from experience new years eve i def fell asleep on papa mcg's shoulder. LoL hilarious we of course stopped on our way home to visit daddy, gone all day we missed him so. and then home. highly eventful day. and olivia was beat from it, which was great because we walked in the door she ate & went right to sleep. muma couldn't have asked for a better ending to a great day.

but tonight! tonight muma gets out without my little angel. my beloved* has been so kind to stay home with her, but good luck to him he will have both kids. snugglebutt is coming over tonight! going out with my love ryan was suppose to be for sushi & "itchi-bans" but will be mexican & margaritas now due to the snow aka "blizzard" coming. but i am stoked to get dressed up & out! and then tomorrow it's sunday, family stay in & cook/eat day. yay. for this weekend. and