okay so i know i recently blogged about anxiety issues but how about anger issues? i've always been easy to get a rise out of & lately the smallest thing has been setting me off & i got into a rage, yell & rant for a good amount of time & a serious obstacle i need to overcome is holding a grudge. now i mean "holding a grudge" i hold them for years; i can never let go of someone hurting, betraying, or disrespecting me. now i know i am having anxiety issues, that's pretty obvious from the last blog & also just i can tell. but now the anxiety levels are getting to be too much & turning into anger & rage.
with the birth of olivia rose* not being ideal & having the issues she had unexpectedly people have mentioned i should either just talk to someone or find a group of people who have similar events occur to them. and i mentioned the anxiety & emotions i have been going thru with my doctor & she gave me some numbers to call, she actually said she was going to recommend it whether i was having issues or not, due to everything that had happened. now i have no objections or reservations about talking, please i love to do it & even talking with my beloved* i hold back a bit. i mean he went thru all of this as well he doesn't want to listen to me b!tch about it all the time, i mean he never does (which is a whole other issue) but it seems to me that the american way isn't to sit & talk, at least with professionals. it seems to me that you go & see someone; tell them what goes on, how you feel, how it affects your life & relationships & then a prescription is just given like candy. it sounds horrible but i do have reservations about being medicated or needing something to help me. i was grown up that we are tough, we can hang & deal with our issues in house it's no one elses' business. and talking with a good amount of people from different situations; some medicated for anxiety, depression, helping someone else with these issues i have come to understand that it could be only a temporary thing to help get someone thru a tough time, and believe me this i think is as tough as it's gonna get. but then there's the issue of getting addicted. what if it happens; i know it takes time but i have this idea in my head that it can happen overnight, i realize that isn't so but i have heard certain drugs can happen fairly quickly.
i am not sure where i am going with this maybe just looking for somewhere to vent & not have to hear the feedback from the same places i've been getting it from. i don't feel i am depressed; well i do have some days i just don't give a fcuk, could care less what goes on & etc, other days i am myself & then there are my angry days. i guess another issue i have with taking a step into the direction of talking with someone or being medicated is people judging me. i am in NO WAY thinking or even feeling i could harm myself or my daughter. and i fear that that may be what think. i mean i would once in a while like to punch a certain few people in the face but i've always had those feelings, some people just deserve it sometimes come on now. but i feel that if you truly just let all your walls down & tell someone every single thought, feeling, or just emotion that may be what someone may think about me. i mean i am not a violent person & would def never hurt my baby girl, she is just too precious, beautiful & been thru enough already i could never purposely/accidently put her thru anything else.
huh. so that's that for today. i have been seriously considering tho finding at least a group of people that have been going thru this & talking. maybe talking to other people who have had a similar ordeal with help me out. because so many people i know whether they followed all "the rules" or just did whatever they wanted while pregnant have had beautiful, healthy little kids & my biggest issue is why olivia? she is so tiny, innocent, precious & i did everything i could to make sure i was doing right by her & still am. i guess i will end the blog today in saying happy monday* hope all have a wonderful week, i am off with my mom* to visit her doctor, that itself is a whole other topic i do not want to talk about.
3 comments:
i left you this HUGE thing and i don't know what happened to it, so here it is again:
Bear in mind that I have bipolar so it's a little different for me, I have to be on medication or my mind works against me, it's just the way the chemistry of my brain works.
When I was a bit younger I had the same attitude; I thought I could handle whatever was wrong with me by myself. I thought I was strong and tough. Of course, I was getting high all the time, or drunk; I was sleeping in snowbanks hoping to freeze to death. When something traumatic happens everyone responds differently: I responded by giving into my impulses and pretending everthing was okay when it really was not. So eventually I buckled and got help, lest I drown myself in the river.
I disagree that we as Americans don't like to talk about our problems. Look at facebook, twitter-- we are a society obsessed with ourselves. It's almost nauseating how self- obsessed we are. Talking to a doctor, counselor, whatever, isn't a big deal. I still have a lot of secrets, but its nice to have someone to blab to and put things in perspective every once in a while. It's a very lonely place to be, inside my own head all the time. I try to stay out of there and ask for help as much as possible.
Do I have feelings that may be crazy sometimes? Yes. Do I hate paying for a bunch of meds that I am addicted to, that I need to have or else I could get sick, or hurt myself, or whatever? Yes. Am I happy I'm alive? Yes.
It was a very traumatic thing that happened to you, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're suffering from some PTSD, and your anxiety and rages are a byproduct of that. Remember though, that God is Good and everything happens for a reason, and as traumatic as it was, Olivia is alive, so it could have been even worse. Finding those who can understand could definitely help.
Anger that turns into rage is poison in your soul-- I'd definitely talk to someone about it.
You've been through a terrible ordeal. At some point in our lives we all experience things too horrible to imagine and we have to ask for help. The best thing you can do for yourself and Olivia is to talk to someone who can help. The things you're feeling are perfectly normal. You'll get through this and come out stronger on the other side. You'll be ok. God bless you.
replica Omega Buys JFK Omega Watch
The gorgeous albeit rather beaten-up Replica CARTIER Watch worn by President John F. Kennedy when he was inaugurated was auctioned for $340,000.TAG HEUER ending up being the top bidder in the Guernsey’s Dec. 15 of the White collection of Kennedy memorabilia. The replica ROLEX will be in the PATEK PHILIPPE Museum in Switzerland next to the first BREITLING watch worn on the moon. After some time in the museum the replica IWC will be shown on tour around the United States.
Post a Comment