what to do.

okay so i know i recently blogged about anxiety issues but how about anger issues? i've always been easy to get a rise out of & lately the smallest thing has been setting me off & i got into a rage, yell & rant for a good amount of time & a serious obstacle i need to overcome is holding a grudge. now i mean "holding a grudge" i hold them for years; i can never let go of someone hurting, betraying, or disrespecting me. now i know i am having anxiety issues, that's pretty obvious from the last blog & also just i can tell. but now the anxiety levels are getting to be too much & turning into anger & rage.
with the birth of olivia rose* not being ideal & having the issues she had unexpectedly people have mentioned i should either just talk to someone or find a group of people who have similar events occur to them. and i mentioned the anxiety & emotions i have been going thru with my doctor & she gave me some numbers to call, she actually said she was going to recommend it whether i was having issues or not, due to everything that had happened. now i have no objections or reservations about talking, please i love to do it & even talking with my beloved* i hold back a bit. i mean he went thru all of this as well he doesn't want to listen to me b!tch about it all the time, i mean he never does (which is a whole other issue) but it seems to me that the american way isn't to sit & talk, at least with professionals. it seems to me that you go & see someone; tell them what goes on, how you feel, how it affects your life & relationships & then a prescription is just given like candy. it sounds horrible but i do have reservations about being medicated or needing something to help me. i was grown up that we are tough, we can hang & deal with our issues in house it's no one elses' business. and talking with a good amount of people from different situations; some medicated for anxiety, depression, helping someone else with these issues i have come to understand that it could be only a temporary thing to help get someone thru a tough time, and believe me this i think is as tough as it's gonna get. but then there's the issue of getting addicted. what if it happens; i know it takes time but i have this idea in my head that it can happen overnight, i realize that isn't so but i have heard certain drugs can happen fairly quickly.
i am not sure where i am going with this maybe just looking for somewhere to vent & not have to hear the feedback from the same places i've been getting it from. i don't feel i am depressed; well i do have some days i just don't give a fcuk, could care less what goes on & etc, other days i am myself & then there are my angry days. i guess another issue i have with taking a step into the direction of talking with someone or being medicated is people judging me. i am in NO WAY thinking or even feeling i could harm myself or my daughter. and i fear that that may be what think. i mean i would once in a while like to punch a certain few people in the face but i've always had those feelings, some people just deserve it sometimes come on now. but i feel that if you truly just let all your walls down & tell someone every single thought, feeling, or just emotion that may be what someone may think about me. i mean i am not a violent person & would def never hurt my baby girl, she is just too precious, beautiful & been thru enough already i could never purposely/accidently put her thru anything else.
huh. so that's that for today. i have been seriously considering tho finding at least a group of people that have been going thru this & talking. maybe talking to other people who have had a similar ordeal with help me out. because so many people i know whether they followed all "the rules" or just did whatever they wanted while pregnant have had beautiful, healthy little kids & my biggest issue is why olivia? she is so tiny, innocent, precious & i did everything i could to make sure i was doing right by her & still am. i guess i will end the blog today in saying happy monday* hope all have a wonderful week, i am off with my mom* to visit her doctor, that itself is a whole other topic i do not want to talk about.

anxiety.

so lately i apparently have been having some anxiety issues. i was having dreams that people (no idea who) would come & take my olivia rose* away from me. at first i figured it was due to all the chaos with olivia's birth but lately it has been every night. i wake up in a compleely covered in sweat, fear, shock & i have to immediately just look at my peanut. has this ever happened to any other new mother? i am coming up to the end of my maternity ward & having to go back to work has really been taking a toll on me. i want to but i don't, it's a double-edged sword. getting out of the house & being "an adult" again but missing precious time with my little girl. what if i miss her first steps, her first word? it'll be crushing. ugh. so much going on in this crazii little head of mine. my beloved* tells me that once i start the wheels in my head it's a spiral downhill slope. i start thinking of whatever began the wheels turning then it turns into other crazii off the wall nonsense. it's so weird LoL but i am just hoping this anxiety is normal, going back to work & leaving my first born is a big deal right? this happens to other women, or dads if they do the staying at home bit with baby. i guess i am just looking for feedback; other women to tell me this happened to them, that it will subside once i get into my "new routine" of work & such. okay. that is all for the day. busy day ahead of me; food shopping, cleaning, miss olivia rose* is hanging with her nana & papa while i actually get a night out with some ladies i haven't seen in forever & then superbowl sunday* happy weekend everyone.

change.

so today i am blogging in regards to old friends. once you no longer have an old friend in your life does that mean our feelings, attitudes, or just general perception of them change? whether it is on a bad note or just time, distance, seperation they were once your friend & you though so highly of them to call them that & involve them in your life why is it that so many people turn ugly once ties fall apart? we are all guilty of distancing ourselves from our friends when we meet a new significant other, we all are! we go thru a period of doing certain things, wearing certain clothes, & being a certain person until time just changes it. whether we all agree with it or not things will always change. or of course if we're college friends, high school friends, friends we meet on a business trip we have to grow up & move on. then there is the ugly issue i've learned the hard way, friends at work! learned that does not exsist, for some reason the human race can not seperate things that happen outside of work & then the professional go-getter work atmospher that goes on. yet with all of these situations & of course there's a ton more key thing that happens is change. it's inevitable! we grow up, apart, wider, taller, darker, more serious, more of a clown & we most importantly need to accept & appreciate ourselves so why is it that so often the ones we surruond ourselves with, our "friends" have issues with these changes? i feel it's a question i will never have fully answered because i have friends from years ago that have accepted every wacky change i've made as well as teh more serious life alerting changes but then i had friends that couldn't deal with tiny changes i was making to better myself & my financial standings. weird. i guess as i look across the room at the love of my life, olivia rose* i just pray that she will not have to deal with these things as much, maybe by the time she is a teenager people will just be over themselves & let people be themselves. wiseful thinking huh.

people are evil.

so i have been gone for a good amount of time. we've had lots of issues lately not happy with what luck we've had, that would be bad luck. first we had issues with our kitchen sink drain, then toilet, the washing machine, our computer the truck 2x, & tonight i have my father's computer (tax season we got to borrow it) & i come across this blog that sh!ts on people! people i know. wtf. why is it that we need to do this? people suck we all know this; everyone does, whether talks too much, dresses weird, is mean, ignorant, whatever it is why do we need to go to the level of crapping on people on the internet? i feel the internet & all of these social websites or networks are a double edge sword; you come across a great blog where you learn & there is serious talks to going on or you come across a facbook status that is just absolutely horrid, cruel & mean. i personally feel if you don't have the balls to say it to someones face you shouldn't be typing your anger away where the world can see it & some not so stupid people can figure out who you are talking about. it's just wrong & humiliating. ugh! i can't stand people they are so cruel, selfish, ignorant, thinking my shit don't stink animals, especially when you are probably the worst & you crap on others? really.

in good news! olivia is now just one day shy of 9 weeks old! yay. my baby is growing so fast; she is holding things, eating her hands like crazii, uses her legs to stand for a second (leaning on someone of course), doesn't love tummy time but is great at picking her head up off the pillow, laughs all the time, tries to talk but of course can't quiet yet. awe. how i love her so. my beloved's beeday just passed, the big 28. threw him a surprise party with all of his friends, aw! he had a blast, of course was caught completely off guard & a lil pissy but we all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly & a lot more people came than expected. overall things are great & turning around i just had to get that first bit off my chest.

people preach how wonderful they are & they do good but in reality once a friend shouldn't they always be a friend? no? i think so, if you have so much hatred & anger towards someone were they ever really your friend? people man. happy monday & feb, the month of love